Almaden Resident

Columns

After 25 columns, there's nothing to it

By Dave Kehmeier

This is my 25th column for Silicon Valley Community Newspapers. That may not sound like such a big deal, but I'm personally quite amazed that I've been able to convince a reputable newspaper organization to publish my columns. The fact is my columns are almost entirely devoid of the sort of cogent insight and analysis one would normally expect to see on an opinion page. You might even say my columns are mostly about nothing.

It all started awhile back when the Almaden Resident hosted a reception at the Almaden Roasting Company to solicit community feedback on the paper. It was footing the bill for the coffee and handing out free mugs, so I considered it my civic duty to attend.

After my third cup of coffee, I introduced myself to the editor, Gregory Watkins, and told him I thought the Resident needed something a little less...you know...journalistic; something that wasn't so...um...newsy. Then, I said I'd be happy to give it a try. Gregory said, "Sure. Whatever." He was on his 15th cup of coffee and really had to get going.

My first column ran in June 2005. Then, Gregory quit and moved to Georgia. Personally, I didn't think the column was all that bad.

Before he left, Gregory told me I needed to make my columns longer. The Resident likes them to be 18 column inches, or 4,338 characters including spaces. This worried me because I'm normally a man of few words. It comes from growing up with cows. But then, I discovered the art of padding my columns with unnecessary, redundant, extra and otherwise superfluous words. Now, I work hard and take great pride in getting as close as I can to that magic number--much more so than in the actual content of the column itself.

Cynthia Bournellis replaced Gregory as editor. She ran three of my columns before she, too, mysteriously left. This raised several questions in my mind such as, "Are all these editors leaving because of me?" and more importantly, "How can I make fun of them in a future column?"

It was during Cynthia's tenure that she arranged to have a picture taken for my columns. Everyone who knows me says it makes me look a lot younger than I really am, and a lot less nerdy because it was taken without my glasses. I think it looks like someone spilled bleach on my head.

The next editor of the Almaden Resident was, and is, Linda Taaffe. She's been at the job for more than a year now. That means she's had plenty of time to read at least one of my columns, so she's had fair warning; I can't be held responsible for any career moves she may choose to make in the future.

I'm really enjoying writing these columns. It's a great creative outlet for a guy whose biggest daily thrill is the mail. I get a kick out if it when someone tells me they've seen one of my columns--even more so when they say they've read it.

Of course, there's also the hate mail. A lady sent in a letter excoriating me for my parenting abilities in response to one of my columns last summer. Linda warned me they were going to publish the letter. I said that was fine with me. No way would I take seriously a letter that takes seriously a column of mine that is so not serious.

When the letter came out, and I stopped blubbering, I read it to my kids. They were indignant--bless their little neglected hearts--and wanted to write a rebuttal. I saw this as a teachable moment and explained to them that we should take the high road. The lady deserved to have her say without threat of reprisal, I said, no matter how different her opinion may be from ours. Besides, no one would have believed that I hadn't put my kids up to it. Then, I spanked them both for good measure as I do every night and sent them to bed.

A few days later, an Almaden Valley author emailed me her condolences, telling me to be brave and keep writing. Having never met a real writer before, I suggested we meet for coffee so she could give me some expert advice. I learned over the course of a venti just how much effort it takes to be a successful writer. It was a bit sobering, but I came away with the realization that I'm in it for the all right reasons--to avoid doing the housework while at the same time convincing my wife I'm too busy writing to get a real job.

Anyway, they say you should write about what you know, so I'll keep writing columns about nothing until either I wise up or my editors do.

4,338. Nailed it!

Dave Kehmeier is a regular columnist for the Almaden Resident.