Good Golly, Miss Molly!

By MARK W. MAYFIELD

As an occasional columnist for this fine newspaper, I'm supposed to write amusing "slice-of-life" pieces, and lately, a large slice of my life (in fact, the whole darn PIE of my life) has been consumed by a puppy named Molly.

Molly is a miniature dachshund, the second such dog my family has endured. Our first one, Odie (1981-1995), was the world's fattest barking mammal. In fact, during his long, successful tenure as our top dog, Odie became so large that we removed the word "miniature" from his job description and replaced it with "disgustingly obese."

Through the first three weeks of my relationship with Molly, I recorded several thoughts, feelings and observations in my journal. I hope these will serve as a warning to anybody who's about to fall prey to a miniature dachshund puppy.

Day 1

We brought Molly home today. We got a good deal on her because she doesn't have "papers." I guess that means that she's in our country illegally. We love her anyway. She is 6 weeks old, incredibly cute, and endearingly rambunctious. Everybody wants to hold her and play with her.

Day 2

Today I made a remarkable discovery--When miniature dachshunds emerge from the womb, they already understand the word "NO!" For millions of years, miniature dachshunds have listened to their angry owners exclaim "NO!" They've heard "NO!" more than any other breed in history. Over vast periods of time, the meaning and consequences of "NO!" have been encoded in the breed's DNA. Here's the proof--This morning, Molly did a "naughty thing" on the kitchen floor. My son unknowingly stepped in the "naughty thing" with his new shoes, and then walked through the entire house, inadvertently spreading "naughty thing" from one room to another. There was "naughty thing" everywhere, and I was quite angry. When I looked directly into Molly's eyes and sternly said "NO!" she immediately lowered her head in shame, instinctively understanding the severity of her transgression. I truly believe that eons from now, Molly's ancestors will be born with the ability to understand several additional words and phrases, including "Those were new shoes, you worthless little wiener dog!" They may also understand several mild profanities.

Day 10

Apparently, Molly's sweet personality was nothing more that a clever act of deception to temporarily fool prospective owners. I just discovered that Molly recently won an Oscar for portraying an innocent, well-behaved puppy in the hit movie "A Gullible Doofus Named Mark." The real Molly is a spoiled brat who whines, yaps and howls when she doesn't get what she wants. In other words, she's exactly like my teenage daughter. Nobody wants to play with Molly anymore. Tomorrow I will ask the INS to deport her to Germany.

Day 14

The guy at the INS called me an idiot. I guess we're stuck with Molly, who is developing an annoying penchant for digging. She tries to dig everywhere, in the carpet, between sofa cushions, and even in my armpits. She's also developed an enormous appetite. She constantly thinks about food. In other words, she's exactly like my teenage son. Watching Molly eat makes me very thankful that she isn't as big as a carnivorous dinosaur. If she were, I would surely regret calling the INS.

Day 15

WOW! Miniature dachshunds are very intelligent! This morning, I caught Molly in the act of typing a venomous anti-Mark letter to the editor of our local paper. She initially claimed that she was just "joking around," but later confessed that she'd already sent the same letter to several other publications. It's a slanderous attack on my flawless character; a mean-spirited diatribe full of unproven allegations, malicious rumors, ugly innuendo and blatant lies. I hereby deny everything in this letter, especially the part where Molly accuses me of being "an ill-tempered buffoon who compensates for his many shortcomings by screaming at a tiny, defenseless puppy who accidentally does 'naughty things' on the freshly cleaned carpet." (Important note for editors--To spot an authentic anti-Mark letter from Molly, look for these telltale signs: She uses only uppercase letters. She always misspells Mark, using a "C" instead of a "K." She frequently expresses her disdain for a popular carpet stain remover. And she concludes every letter with this sentence--"He's a dumb, stupid puppy-hater who asked the INS to deport me!")

I'm out of space for today's column, but stay tuned to this paper for future updates on the dangers of owning miniature dachshunds.

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Mark W. Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) is still removing "naughty thing" from his carpet.

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