Words of wisdom for grads

By JON HOORNSTRA

Dear seniors, there is only one serious note in this column and that's to say congratulations. That's it.

Now, let's take a short walk to the podium where they hand out laughter. You are about to graduate. You will be surrounded and admired by parents, friends and exhausted teachers. They'll all try to wrap your day of passage in witty speeches, and pithy and profound advice.

I, on the other hand, will show mercy and give you much less.

It's true that you've worked a lot, studied a lot and tested a lot. But soon, you will begin to forget a lot. In just a few weeks you will sound more like Homer Simpson than your usual self. That won't be all bad, as you will find it easier to talk with your parents as the days of summer drag on.

Still, there's one more lesson I ask you to absorb before the tide hauls your minds out to sea. Listen carefully, as this is a revelation that will serve you well when all else fails.

Once upon a time long ago in a land far away, a primitive scientific community turned to a local curmudgeon named Murphy and asked him to explain the many things that befuddled them. After several weeks of contemplation, Murphy emerged with a set of rules, actually an entire legal system, that he cleverly reduced to wallet-size for easy recollection.

Said Murphy, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." Thus "Murphy's Law," the world's most famous one-liner, the one essential key to life that you must someday pass on to another generation, was born.

But as I said, Murphy's creation was actually an entire legal code. It has become a major industry governed in secret by a panel of consultants whose identities are unknown even to astrologers. Murphy's Laws are listed on all major stock exchanges; brokers say this 'business' publishes legal systems and rules to explain everything science can't handle.

Here's a sampler of a few of the laws, some of which you've already encountered and some you have yet to face:

Rule 1. Whenever you try to open or close drawstring drapes, the cord you first pull will be the wrong one. It's always the other cord.

Rule 2. When driving a car, there will always be someone determined to get to the next red light before you do. This is a race you don't want to win.

Rule 3. In every group there is one person who will try to improve on anything you say.

Rule 4. A high percentage of you will eventually marry the person referred to in Rule 3.

Rule 5. No one has, or ever will, see the grand opening of an Oriental rug dealership. These shops are in a constant state of going out of business.

Rule 6. The starting lineup of every Little League baseball team includes the coaches' kids. Most of them are starting pitchers.

Rule 7. All car keys are inserted into the ignition with the key's "teeth" either in the up or down position. The keys for the next car you own will be the opposite of what you now drive.

Rule 8. In half of all trips to the grocery store, shoppers will have the same fate: the person in front of you in the checkout line will write a check, use coupons and need a price checked.

Rule 9. No matter when you turn on your TV or radio, a commercial will be running.

Rule 10. Life will eventually resemble familiar neighborhood houses. You won't notice any of them nearly as much as you will after a developer hauls one away.

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