The Cupertino Courier

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Photograph by Jacqueline Ramseyer

Going Forward: Shirley Duarte and Bob Youden have been dating for about three months after becoming friends during grief counseling sessions.

Counseling helps some through the holidays

By Erin Hussey

For most, the holiday season brings warmth, joy and happiness, but for the newly bereaved, the approaching months can be overwhelming and filled with sadness. Pathways Home Health, Hospice and Private Duty Hospice Foundation in Sunnyvale wants grievers to know it is here to lend support before, during and after the holidays.

"It's a pretty dark place to be in," Chris Taich, bereavement program manager, said. "It seems like there is never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. So that people don't feel alone in their grief, we offer a wide range of services to support them."

Pathways offers group, individual and family counseling sessions, as well as bereavement workshops and remembrance ceremonies. The no nprofit organization is also working on creating children-only groups.

"I think as people start to anticipate the holidays, they start to get more nervous about how they are going to get through the season," Taich said. "A plan is the most important variable with getting through the holidays. Are you going to do some of the same traditions that you've done in the past, or are you going to create new traditions? Do you want to be with your family or do you want to be with friends? There isn't a right or wrong answer, or one way to do it. It's thinking about what you need to do to take of yourself."

Barbara Papamarcos of Sunnyvale, who lost her mother to ovarian cancer and her brother to meningitis, has been attending family counseling sessions with her husband, Mark, and two children for almost three months.

In September, Christine Merriman, who has been working with the Papamarcos family suggested they make at least three different plans for the holidays.

"It really stuck with my daughter and she was the one that came home that night and said 'OK, Plan A: Let's fill all the chairs at the Thanksgiving table,' " Barbara said. "I think that is a really sweet thing because there will be an empty chair and so if you fill them all up, someone is going to be sitting in that chair so there won't be that empty space."

The family also talked about how they would celebrate Christmas and decided they would keep most of their family traditions but add some new ones, such as Pathways' Celebration of Light: A Time of Remembrance and Preparation for the Holidays, as well. The event will include the use of light, both literally and metaphorically, from various faith traditions to assist people in holding the memories of their loved ones.

"We are building a new normal," Barbara said. "After one year we will have done almost everything once without my mom and brother."

While some might be timid to attend grief counseling because of its somber nature, Shirley Duarte of Cupertino and Robert Youden from Sunnyvale want people to know it isn't always dark and dreary.

"The essence of it is, something has happened and when you talk about it things change," Youden said. "In the course of hearing similar things from the other participants, it transforms you and you can talk about these things without dissolving into tears."

Youden, who lost his 15-year partner, Joan, to an automobile accident in July 2005, also explained how much of the group session also involves light-hearted sharing.

"Bob was tagged as 'show and tell' because he would come with a new thing every meeting," Duarte said with a slight grin. "I think it helped everybody because it helped relieve the pressure." Duarte joined the group Youden was in last April after she lost her husband of 48 years to cancer. After forming a close friendship in and out of the group session, Youden and Duarte are now a couple.

"Sometimes you even meet people who have the same idea that nothing is ever going to unfold in their life again and then a complete surprise happens," Youden said looking at Duarte. While this is somewhat unusual, it is not uncommon to form lasting friendships out of grief support groups.

"I've had grief groups that have been getting together long after our formal grief support has ended because they so enjoy each other," Taich said. "But what we find over and over again is that there is almost as much laughter in the group as there are tears."

For more information on Pathways Home Health, Hospice and Private Duty Hospice Foundation Bereavement services or the Celebration of Light, call 408.730.5100 or visit www.pathwayshealth.org.