Speakers offer parenting tips for staying connected
Therapists say that the democratic style of parenting works best
By Rebecca Ray
In an attempt to bridge the gap between parents and teens, marriage and family therapists Beckie and Kenneth St. George, a Sunnyvale couple who share an office in San Jose, recently offered local parents advice on staying connected with their teens.
The talk, which took place in the Los Gatos High School Library on Feb. 27, was part of the Parenting Continuum, a series of programs designed to improve family relationships. The programs are presented through the cooperation of the Teen and Family Counseling Center in Los Gatos, Community Against Substance Abuse and committees in the Los Gatos-Saratoga Joint Union and Los Gatos Union school districts.
When teens give their parents attitude and express a lack of interest in connecting with them, it's common for parents to wonder what they did wrong, the St. Georges say. But instead of backing off or trying to be their teens' friends, parents should let their teens know where the boundaries are, according to the St. Georges.
But that's not to say that parents should always call the shots. In fact, the St. Georges say, the democratic style of parenting, in which children have input in family decisions, works best.
Teens, the therapists pointed out, are going through a phase called "separation and individuation," to develop a sense of themselves. Teens want to be in control, when parents, school, society, law enforcement and their changing bodies are in control instead.
Ways that parents should not communicate with their teens, the St. Georges say, include lecturing, yelling, nagging, repeating themselves like a broken record, provoking guilt, shaming, judging, ordering and saying that the teen can't do something "because I said so." When parents use these strategies, the St. Georges say, teens don't listen.
The St. Georges point out that teens may behave in ways their parents don't want them to, such as smoking and using drugs. But parents aren't there to monitor their teens' activities at all times; they're there to set boundaries and make sure the behaviors don't become ingrained, the St. Georges say.
Instead of telling teens they can't stay out late "because I said so," parents should tell them their real reasons for not wanting them to stay out late--even if the teens say the reasons are stupid, the St. Georges say. The couple adds that parents should let their teens win some arguments and should admit when they're wrong, because their teens won't want to engage in conversations with them otherwise.
To increase the likelihood of teens doing chores, parents should ask them to verbally confirm the chores they asked them to do and should let their teens know in advance the consequences of their not doing the chores, the St. Georges say.
To connect more with their teens, parents should preserve family rituals, such as family dinners, once a week. Parents should also spend time alone with their teens, even if it means going places the parents don't want to go and putting up with their teens' music. The St. Georges add that this is especially important for fathers and their daughters, and mothers and their sons.
The St. Georges advise parents to let their teens know when they're about to cross the line; to praise teens for what they do right; and to not force conversations, because chances are, the teen will talk to them later. The St. Georges say that parents should give their teens their full attention when the teens need to talk and should invite teens to express their opinions, even if the teens' opinions are dramatically different from theirs'. To make family vacations less painful, parents can let their teens choose some of the activities and invite their teens to bring friends.
Also, the St. Georges say, instead of fixing their teens' problems, parents should let them solve their problems on their own. Even if teens fail, they learn that they can take care of themselves, the two say
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