Survey results are a rude awakening

By Mark W. Mayfield

According to a recent telephone survey conducted by the research group Public Agenda, Americans are sick and tired of rude behavior, including bad cell phone manners, poor customer service, foul language and aggressive driving. In fact, 79 percent of the respondents believe that rudeness in the United States is a serious problem. The remaining 21 percent responded to the survey by angrily yelling, "Why do you *#%$&@ idiots always call at dinnertime?!" and "Survey THIS, pal!" They also made very rude gestures I can't describe in a family newspaper. (Editor: I made up the last part of the survey because I believe that readers are attracted to columns that include cursing and rude gestures. Can I get in trouble for fabricating survey results? And by the way, please explain exactly what you meant in your last memo about "the importance of maintaining journalistic integrity.")

Half of those surveyed said they often see people talking on cell phones in "a loud or annoying manner." I don't know about you, but nothing bothers me more than people who talk loudly or annoyingly on their cell phones in public. In my opinion, rude cell phone users are a festering sore on the face of--Oops, please excuse me for a moment. (At this point, Mark answers his cell phone and begins talking loudly and annoyingly with his teenage daughter.) "No, you can't stay out until midnight! How many times do I have to tell you that your curfew is non-negotiable! If you aren't home by 10:30 p.m. I will lock you in your room until your 30th birthday! And don't call me again unless it's an emergency! I'm in the middle of writing a thought-provoking column about rampant rudeness in America, and you rudely interrupted me with your stupid question!"

Many outraged readers are now exclaiming, "What a hypocrite! He complains about rude cell phone users, and then stops in the middle of his column to scream at his daughter on his own cell phone!" Calm down. The preceding cell phone conversation never really occurred (except the part when I threatened to lock my daughter in her room until her 30th birthday). It was actually a brilliant dramatization designed to illustrate the hostility caused by people who rudely use their cell phones in public. While you were reading it, you probably felt very angry, offended and--Oops, please excuse me for a moment. (Ironically, at this point, Mark's cell phone actually DOES ring. He politely answers it and begins talking with his wife, who often calls him to express her undying love and devotion.) "Hi, sweetheart. Yes, I know that you called just to say that you're the luckiest woman in the world, and that you don't know what you'd ever do without me, but according to a recent survey, many Americans are fed up with people who use their cell phones in public, so you'll have to praise, flatter and adore me after I finish this column. Goodbye, my little love muffin." (Editor: My wife didn't really call to express her undying love and devotion. She called to tell me to preheat the oven to 325 degrees for the frozen lasagna we're having for dinner. Can I get in trouble for misrepresenting a cell phone call? And isn't 325 degrees too low for frozen lasagna?)

The survey also discovered that many of the respondents themselves engage in rude behavior. More than a third said they occasionally use profanity in public, and about the same number admitted to bad driving. Speaking of which, I have a personal message for the ugly, short-tempered slob in the red hot rod who cursed at me after I politely used my horn to let him know that he was driving a little too aggressively. Listen, Mr. Potty Mouth, you might have big muscles, scary snake tattoos, and a fast car that makes impressive rumbling sounds, but your manners are absolutely atrocious! And if I weren't such a classy, well-mannered gentleman, I would've dragged you to the side of the road and taught you a thing or two about respecting your elders.

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Mark Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) welcomes email from polite readers.

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