Present-day conquering hero sizes up 'Gladiator'
By Mark Mayfield
Important warning for readers who haven't seen Gladiator: The following column reveals several parts of the movie, including a climactic scene when Maximus (played by Russell Crowe), a former general in the Roman army, bravely dies after a fixed fight with his evil nemesis, Emperor Commodus (played by Joaquin Phoenix).
He then goes to heaven to spend eternity with his beloved wife and son, who were killed earlier in the movie by cruel Roman soldiers (played by actors who resemble cruel Roman soldiers). They were carrying out orders from the aforementioned evil nemesis (played by Phoenix Arizona), a genuine sicko who killed his own father, Richard Harris (played by Caesar), so he could steal the reigns of power from Maximus, who was Caesar's handpicked successor. Anyway, if you don't want to know about that part, please stop reading right now.)
After watching Gladiator, which, in my humble opinion, deserves some kind of award, I decided to change my name to "Markimus," which immediately replaces all of my former names, including Doofimus, Belchimus and Gluteus Maximus. I'm making this change because I believe that a man's name should reflect his personality, and Markimus perfectly reflects my fearless, humble, gladiator-like nature.
Maximus and I have a lot in common. We both are brave Russell Crowe look-alikes who were betrayed and mistreated by our own people. Maximus was arrested by soldiers of his own army for telling the truth about a noble Caesar's dying request.
In 1975 AD, I was betrayed and mistreated by my own father, Dadimus, for telling the truth about attending a friend's party that was disrupted by two uninvited guests, Beerimus and Cannabis. My father's burning anger finally subsided after armed soldiers from the local Policeimus assured him that I, Markimus, was an innocent bystander.
Like Maximus, I often fight against overwhelming odds. At one point in the movie, our hero is surrounded by many man-eating tigers and several heavily armed gladiators wearing impenetrable armor. (The tigers were VERY good actors. I almost believed they really wanted to eat Crowe. Get it? Eat Crowe? Ha-ha! That's pretty funny, eh?) Of course, Maximus beat the odds, penetrated the impenetrable armor, won the fight, and probably ate tiger steaks for dinner.
One of my fights against overwhelming odds recently occurred in the elevator of a local department store, where a large, muscular, menacing thug was obviously preparing to kill me and steal the irresistibly masculine cologne I had just purchased at the men's fragrance counter.
Knowing that a good gladiator should always exude self-confidence in the face of danger, I looked directly at my opponent and fiercely proclaimed, "I am Markimus, savior of Rome and defender of all that is right! Prepare to die, you miserable coward!" The terrified punk then nervously replied, "huh?"
"Huh" is a code word among gladiators that means, "You are a strong, unconquerable warrior! I am truly frightened by your words, and awed by your presence.
Please keep your cologne and let me live. Hail to you, Markimus, savior of Rome!" (As the elevator door opened, my opponent's angry mother told me that I should be ashamed of myself for scaring a 10-year-old. I despise gladiators who hide behind their mothers' skirts!)
Like Maximus, I always enjoy a good fight to the death. (OK, I'm not sure I could do that decapitation thing with a sword, or that impaling thing with a spear, or that stabbing thing with a dagger, or that chopping thing with a hatchet, or that flaming arrow thing with a flaming arrow, but I'm pretty sure that I could emit a primal ear-piercing battle cry that would make my opponents flee in terror. And if that didn't work, I could grovel at their feet, and offer to wash and wax their chariots.)
Like Maximus, I am a simple man who loves my family: my spouse, Wifeimus, my son, Boyimus, and my teenage daughter, Talk-Backimus. Heck, I even love my dogs, Barkimus and Poopimus.
And like Maximus, I hope to someday to put down my weapons and spend more time at home. Unfortunately, that won't happen until I defeat my wicked, greedy, deceitful, sneaky, heartless, cowardly, power-hungry nemesis. His name is PG&Eimus, and he's really ticking me off.
Markimus (played by Mark Mayfield) would LOVE to vanquish PG&Eimus in the Colosseum..
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Los Gatos, California Since 1881
