Muscles prove bane to men, nature
By Mark W. Mayfield
While perusing a periodical devoted to the benefits of vigorous exercise, a friend of mine was amazed by a picture of a sweaty bodybuilder, whose upper torso muscles are bigger than an apartment complex. "Check out the incredible deltoids on this guy!" he exclaimed, excitedly shoving the magazine in my face.
Three questions immediately occurred to me: 1. What inspired mankind's intense interest in massive muscles? 2. How are said muscles produced and maintained? 3. Why did my friend, a happily married, outwardly masculine fellow, make such a giddy fuss about another man's provocatively exposed shoulders?
Extensive research provided answers to the first two questions. Only my friend can honestly answer the third.
According to historians, men have always admired big muscles. Our ancestors actually worshipped muscular deities, including Atlas (mythical ruler of road maps), Neptune (mythical ruler of tuna), Thor (mythical ruler of words that begin with the "th" sound), Abacus and Calculus (mythical rulers of math), Mucus and Salivas (mythical rulers of phlegm) and Hercules (mythical ruler of muscular deities).
These legendary guys were idolized just because they had remarkable physiques. After all, nobody ever worshipped out-of-shape deities like Pluto (mythical ruler of cartoon dogs) and Cupid (mythical ruler of little chubby people with wings).
We mortals didn't know how to grow our own muscles until the Middle Ages, when a now-extinct mammal called the thunderbutt roamed the earth.
These gentle, slow-moving scavengers survived on the discarded remnants of fatty junk food. While foraging, they often wandered into medieval villages, where kindhearted men would carefully carry the enormous creatures back into the forest.
These men soon discovered that their bodies were adapting to this strenuous feat by producing large skin-covered lumps, which caused their appreciative wives to say, "Thy bulging shoulders, arms and chest doth inexplicably arouse and exciteth me." Motivated by the women's favorable reaction, every man in the village was soon pumping thunderbutts.
We now know that those "lumps" were actually muscles, e.g., peccadilloes or "pecs" (chest), bacchanalia (back), thyroids (thighs), abominables (stomach), bicuspids and trifectas (arms) and the Glucose Maximus Expandus (butt). We also know that building a powerful body doesn't require lifting thunderbutts. In fact, recent scientific studies suggest that a man can increase the size of his muscles by repeatedly lifting ANY heavy mammal.
Unfortunately, males are incapable of developing massive muscles until they reach "publicity," that magical stage of life when we suddenly become VERY interested in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. During publicity, our masculine spleens excrete several gallons of an amazing substance called "muscle juice."
When a man physically exerts himself, this potent fluid quickly flows through the emphatic system to various body parts and saturates millions of spongy cells, causing them to inflate into large chunks of muscle meat. If we men never exert ourselves, our bodies convert the unused muscle juice into deadly fluorocarbons that are expelled into the atmosphere, where they contribute to the destruction of the ozone layer.
Although modern labor-saving conveniences have reduced our reliance on muscle power, a Herculean physique still has many advantages. A muscular man can open stubborn jelly jars, beat up people who are smarter than he is, and move heavy furniture all by himself.
And muscles dramatically slow the aging process. Fitness pioneer Jack LaLanne, for example, has the body of a 30-year-old, but archaeologists estimate his actual age at 354. Big muscles can also mean big bucks.
Just ask Arnold Schwarzenegger, a former professional bodybuilder who achieved astronomical fame and fortune despite a rare vocal condition that prevents him from properly pronouncing the word "fritter." Arnold earns trazillions of dollars by appearing in movies that showcase his huge peccadilloes, which he can flex simultaneously and independently.
Of course, there are many other sound reasons for developing thick thyroids and big bicuspids, but perhaps the most persuasive one of all comes from Schwarzenegger himself, who once said, "A man without muscles is like a fwitter without filling."
Mark W. Mayfield (itsmark@sirius.com) recently injured his left peccadillo while lifting a heavy mammal.
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Los Gatos, California Since 1881
