Los Gatos Weekly-Times

Life has many lessons to be learned

By Carl Heintze

Some things I have learned in my life to date: * Be wary of middle-aged men driving Jaguars; either they have had a deprived childhood, or they're in midlife crisis.

* I've never eaten in a place named "Mom's," but I wouldn't anyway. My mother was just an average cook.

* Someone once told me it's all right if you don't like your in-laws. Maybe, but don't tell them.

* Not all beautiful girls have beautiful voices. Not all beautiful voices come from beautiful girls.

* Last year may not have been great, but not all years are bad. Next year may be better. At the least, it's a new beginning.

* Beware of those driving Porsches. They always look like they are angry--and they could well be. They've found out how much it costs to fix their car.

* Wine doesn't have to be expensive to taste good. On the other hand, wine that is cheap usually doesn't.

* It's easier to be optimistic about the future when you feel well, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should.

* BMWs may be the ultimate driving machine, but driving them is just like driving any other car--they use gas and oil, a steering wheel and brakes.

* It's not true that I never met a man I didn't like. And that's true for some women, too.

* You can get cut with a one-edged sword about as easily as with a two-edged one.

* Middle age isn't so bad; in fact, the older you get, the better it looks.

* Jerry Rice is a gentleman; Bill Romanowski is not.

* Your teeth are not as important as some other parts of your body as you get older.

* Bad news travels faster than good news. Maybe there's just more of it.

* On average, women outlast men in almost everything, including life.

* Marriage may, at times, be difficult, but the alternative is far worse.

* In spite of all your fears and efforts, your children do grow up.

* Old wine is not necessarily better than new wine, but most of it is.

* The original Volkswagen Bug and the Model-T Ford have never been surpassed.

* Rock music is not music, and neither is rap.

* Being a native Californian doesn't mean anything, except to other native Californians.

* Blood is thicker than water, but I have no idea what that means.

* There's a child in all of us, but despite the equipment with which women are born, it's more likely to be in males than females, especially as men age.

* Cold milk tastes better than warm milk, unless, of course, you're a baby.

* Cold beer tastes better than warm beer, unless, of course, you're British.

* Writing appears to be easier than climbing mountains, which is why there are more would-be writers than there are would-be mountain climbers.

* Making an omelet looks easy. Making a good omelet, however, is difficult. Making a successful soufflé is impossible.

* Real men don't read Norman Mailer's books. I don't know about real women.

* It's not true that, as Lenin said, religion is the opiate of the people. Work is.

* I know it's unpatriotic, but orange juice tastes better for breakfast than prunes.

* Fortunately, life almost never turns out as you expect it to.

* San Francisco is arguably the greatest city in the world. At the least it is more beautiful than Los Angeles. It might even be more beautiful than Paris.

* Hot cereal on winter mornings somehow is more satisfying, even if it has no more nutrition than cold cereal.

* Only native-born French persons can speak French properly--and they know it.

* Life is the journey, not the destination.

* I am unique, but so, alas, is everybody else.

Carl Heintze is a regular contributor to the Los Gatos Weekly-Times.

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