Los Gatos Weekly-Times

Rich at last, it says right here

By Bob Aldrich

The good news arrived in my mailbox last week. Through the envelope transparency, I read with growing excitement: "Robert Aldrich," it said in large black letters, "you've cleared the final hurdle; you're California's top winner, guaranteed a full $11,000,000!"

The glad word was from Ed McMahon, and Dick Clark, too. I could hardly restrain my anticipation as I tore into the envelope. "You have been issued a special Coded Prize Category Tag," the stuff inside said. "Find it now by breaking open the Security Pouch above, then return your tag immediately! Robert Aldrich, you will definitely receive the prize on your prize category tag if your entry is also the winner and you act fast!"

An instant of doubt pierced my joy. Just what did Ed mean by that "if?" I was in no mood for "ifs." Didn't the big black type on the envelope promise that, as California's top winner, I was GUARANTEED 11 million smackeroonies? To be frank, I couldn't see why Ed and Dick didn't just send along my check now, instead of this big bundle of tags and pouches and whatnot that I was to break into and paste here and there, as well as a bunch of magazine-subscription coupons.

That unhappy moment of skepticism was aggravated when I suddenly remembered the last time I'd heard from Ed. Then he'd guaranteed me, if I recall it right, ten million; which isn't, to be sure, eleven million, but not to be sneered at, either. Since I'd never heard from him again about that 10 mil, I wondered if there might be some hitch about my 11 mil arriving in due time.

I wouldn't accuse a noted television personality like Ed McMahon of any sort of chicanery, and certainly not an American icon like Dick Clark. But when it said right there that I had "cleared the final hurdle" (quite an achievement, as I couldn't recall clearing any previous hurdles), I took the statement at face value. Now, as I read further, I came across another bold-print declaration: "Robert Aldrich of Los Gatos takes first place among top winners with gigantic $11,000,000 award!" And then a stern warning: "But time is running out, Robert Aldrich. You must stake your claim before September 13 to proceed to the winner selection step. Otherwise you risk forfeiting one of the fabulous prizes ... to someone else."

Just a darn minute here, Ed. It seems like a pretty big step down from that "guaranteed" 11 mil to "one of the fabulous prizes." What were we talking about here? Eleven million dineros, or maybe a brand-new toaster or an imitation gold-plated letter-opener?

To find "what prize you qualify for," I took a coin and scratched off the silver bar on my Prize Category Tag. It said, "11 mil." It looked as if Ed and Dick were determined to make me rich after all. Momentarily buoyed, my hopes sank again as I read, "You may be the first to win eleven million dollars!"

May be? Ed, what are you doing to me? You sure know how to twist a fellow around your finger. A minute ago, I was guaranteed the Big Money and now I get this "may" business. The streets are littered with people who stumble over "mays" and "ifs."

Here are all the subscription coupons, and here are blank spaces for me to paste in two coupons. "No purchase is necessary," but I'd be embarrassed to go after 11 mil with no coupons attached, after Ed and Dick went to all this trouble.

As it is, I have to scrimp to pay for all the magazines I'm getting now. Still, I wonder. Would I like Rolling Stone?

Anyway, I could use a new toaster.

Bob Aldrich is a columnist and feature writer for the Los Gatos Weekly-Times.