Fine, so my wife may not be the best poet in the world. But you must admit that she does have a way of getting her point across!

So, when it's time for a gift-giving event--like a birthday, Christmas or, in this case, Valentine's Day--there's no beating around the bush ... she gets straight to the point. I guess she figures she has to, given what she has to work with (uh, that would be me!).

Oh, she'll start by dropping a hint or two.

Like a couple of weeks ago when she changed the background pattern on my computer desktop from a starry night to a field of red roses (pretty subtle, huh?).

Or like last weekend when she clipped ads out of the newspaper and left them in conspicuous places where I would be sure to find them ... like the floral shop ad stuck inside the bag of tortilla chips, the Nordstrom ad taped to the TV remote, and the jewelry store ad pinned to the pillow on the couch (ouch, that one really got my attention!).

As it got closer to the big day, she took a more direct approach.

"I understand that Dan took Isabel to pick out a beautiful new dress for Valentine's Day," she said the other day, trying her best to coax me into a similar act of generosity.

"Yeah, well, what do you expect," I explained, "they're only dating--he still has to impress her."

"Well, do you remember the lovely bracelet that Bud bought for Stephanie last Valentine's Day?" she asked. "How do you explain that?"

"He won it in a raffle at the school where he teaches," I said. "I think it cost him about five bucks."

"Oh, yeah," she snapped, now seething a bit through clenched teeth. "Well, then what about the long-stemmed red roses that Jack sent to Coralie? Weren't they lovely?"

"Lovely!" I moaned. "Those roses cost him almost a hundred bucks!"

Her chances of getting roses on Valentine's Day are about as good as, say, my chances of getting a home-cooked meal (especially now that she's read this).

But I suppose I should get her something for Valentine's Day ... something nice. I'm just not very good at this romantic stuff.

Roses seem so impractical ... they just wilt and die long before the bill clears the VISA account. Candy? I usually eat most of it. And jewelry? Well, despite what Tom Shane says, I don't have a friend in the diamond business!

But just when I'd lost all hope, I heard an ad on the radio, and it seemed like the perfect gift. The National Star Registry will let me give my wife a star for Valentine's Day.

A star of her very own, named after her! I think I'm on to something.

It comes with a certificate of authenticity, and a map of the heavens so we'll be able to pick it out in the nighttime sky. Best of all, it's only 45 bucks!

I couldn't wait to give it to her, so I've already started dropping hints days before V-Day.

"Picked out your Valentine's Day present already," I teased. "I've got it wrapped up right here in this little box."

"Oooo, what is it?" she shrieked, reaching for the package.

"Guess," I said.

"OK," she said. "Animal, vegetable or mineral."

"Definitely mineral."

"That's a good start. Does it sparkle?"

"Uh, I'd say it's more of a twinkle."

"Well," she pondered, unable to hold back a smile. "How large is it?"

"Huge."

And with that she threw her arms around me.

"I never imagined it would make you so happy," I said. "Had I known, I would have had a star named after you a long time ago."

She stepped back and stared at me with her head cocked in that puzzled, puppy dog stare.

"A star?" she asked. "You mean, you're not talking about a diamond? You're talking about a star?"

Gulp.

"Um, yeah, a star ... named after you," I explained.

"But, it's such a small box," she said woefully. "And you said it was a mineral, you said it was huge, you said it sparkled."

"Uh, I think what I said was that it twinkled. You know, like 'Twinkle, twinkle little star ... like a diamond in the sky.' "

She wasn't exactly amused. In fact, she didn't say a word, she just turned and walked away, shaking her head as she left the room.

And me? Well, despite her silence, I got the message loud and clear. I still have a little time before Valentine's Day ... time enough to go visit my old friend, Tom.

Want to talk? Give me a call at 408.354.3110, or write to dsparrer@svcn.com.