OK, ladies—this one is pretty much for the guys out there, so please stop reading now. You see, I'm going to be discussing some pretty graphic, intense things here that you just don't really need to know about.

It all deals with the Valentine's Day recently passed. Sorry guys, but I'm about to divulge some of our deep, dark secrets in hopes that it will help some of the young guys out there who, simply put, just don't know any better. My reason will become very clear later.

Guy Valentine's secrets

* We wait until the last possible moment to buy that Valentine's Day card. There aren't nearly as many to choose from then, which makes our card-buying experience quick and simple.

Like last week, for example. By the time I stopped by the drug store to pick out a card for my wife, they only had about five left—and one of those was in Spanish. So I bought her two. Hey, nothing's too good for my wife ... anyway, it was so late they were having a two-for-one close-out.

* We are sure not to make dinner reservations. That way all of the expensive restaurants will be booked solid. Then she'll say something like, "Well, I'd rather stay home and cook than spend Valentine's Day eating dinner at the Red Lobster!"

Then we say, "OK, dear, if you're sure that's what you really want."

* We do not, repeat, do not stop at the florist shop on our way home on Valentine's night. You could easily get caught up in the last minute shopping frenzy and do something foolish that you and your VISA card will regret later.

* We go ahead and get the See's candy ... we just don't fall for that heart-shaped box with the big red ribbon. For the same price, you can get the 2-pound rectangular box—you know, the one with two layers. And you get them to fill the bottom layer with your favorite (maybe that chocolate-covered marshmallow and caramel you like so much). She'll lose interest after a couple of coconut creams and a few molasses chips ... and the rest is all for you.

Because never lose track of one basic fact of life—Valentine's Day is for you, too.

I share these deep, dark guy secrets now, a day or so after Cupid's annual holiday, for the young guys out there who just don't know any better. I'm sorry, guys, but we have to share the wisdom of our years with the young so that they won't make those rookie mistakes ... mistakes that will get us all in trouble!

Case in point: my wife's son, Douglas, dealt guy-dom a severe blow on V-Day. You know the type—young, good looking, thoughtful, romantic ... the kind of guy us old married types can't stand.

So what is it we don't like about him (as if those qualities already mentioned aren't enough)? Well, on Valentine's Day he filled his condominium with candles and rose pedals and greeted his fiance with a chilled bottle of champagne.

Well, isn't that just about the most sickening, disgusting things you've ever heard? Of course, his finance loved it. So of course it had to get back to my wife, who not so surprisingly loved it too. I heard the whole thing when I called to tell her I was bringing home a little Chinese for dinner.

"Did you hear what Douglas did for Melina?" asked my wife as soon as I arrived home that night, explaining the rose pedals, candles, et al. "That was soooo romantic. He's so thoughtful."

"Hey, I brought home sweet and sour pork and muscho chicken," I said, affirming my own thoughtfulness.

"Ooohhh ... take out Chinese for our Valentine's dinner," she said. "How romantic."

"But I asked for extra plum sauce!" I said defensively.

She didn't even hear me.

"Why can't you be more like Douglas?" she questioned.

"What, young and good looking?" I asked.

"No, it's much too late for that," she said. "Can't you just be more thoughtful and romantic?"

"Sure I can," I snapped. "Here, have my egg roll."

Can you believe it? She didn't talk to me for the rest of the night ... and most of the next night.

And all because Douglas had to fill is condo with stinky rose pedals! At least now maybe he'll know better and won't make that rookie mistake again ... the rest of us guys are counting on it.

Want to talk? Give me a call at 408.354.3110, or write to dsparrer@svcn.com.