Ice cream cones for four after the movie: $8.

Spending a Saturday afternoon with your grandchildren: Priceless ...

Hey, wait a minute! Thirty-four bucks for a lousy movie? Are you kidding me?

But that's just what it cost a couple of weeks ago when we took Anthony and Kaitlyn to the AMC Saratoga to see Madagascar .

At the risk of sounding much too much like my late father--and you can't even imagine how much that scares me--that's unbelievable! There's no movie worth that much money, especially not an 80-minute- long animated film about zoo animals.

"Why, when I was a boy," my dad used to say, "for two bits we could get a ticket to a movie, a big pickle and an ice cream sandwich this thick" (spreading his thumb and forefinger about 4 inches apart to give me a better idea of the mammoth size of the cold treat).

I was never sure exactly how much money two bits was, though I assume it was substantially less than $34. And I never quite understood the attraction of the taste combination of ice cream and pickles. But I always understood the point he was trying to make--now more than ever.

No wonder the home movie market is growing so rapidly and the movie theater business is struggling. It's pricing itself right out of people's budgets. A $50 bill for a family of four to catch a movie is quite a Saturday afternoon investment, especially considering the reasonable rental rates through Netflix, Blockbusters and Hollywood Video.

Now, I'm no cheapskate (the opinions of my friends notwithstanding), but even I was taken aback by the clerk's request for $34.

"You must have been mistaken," I tried to explain. "We only wanted four tickets, and two were for the children."

"That's right, mister," he replied, looking right through me at the group of teenage girls behind me. "Two adults, two kids."

"But this is a matinee," I added.

"This is the 4 p.m. showing ... matinee prices ended at the last show," he snapped.

So I stuffed the meager $6 change from my two twenties into my pocket and went off to find my wife and the grandchildren.

"Do you know how much it was for these tickets?" I asked Natalie, not really looking for an answer but trying to point out the extravagance of the day. Before she could answer, I blurted out, "Thirty-four bucks!"

"You've got to be kidding," she gasped. "Are you sure you got children's tickets?"

"Yeah, they were seven bucks each," I said. "Can you believe it? That's for a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old. You know, they shouldn't be able to charge more than a child's age!"

With that she handed me a small soda cup and two dollar bills.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's your Diet Coke, and the change from your $20 bill," she replied.

"Well, that sure beat the heck out of three twenties!" I said. "Maybe I should have saved a few bucks by getting you the senior discount."

"Don't even go there!" she warned.

"You know, I don't really care how much this costs," I said, quickly trying to change the subject, "it's great just to be spending the day with the grandkids. We have to do this more often."

Backpedaling to keep from getting in the doghouse with your wife: Priceless!

Want to talk? Give me a call at 408.354.3110, or write to dsparrer@svcn.com.