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Commentary
Minerals will solve all life's problems
By Mark W. Mayfield
Wow! What a feeling! There's a new spring in my step, a vibrant twinkle in my eyes, a peculiar air of happiness and vitality about me. I'm experiencing the regenerative effects of a revolutionary dietary supplement that contains several major minerals (calcium, magnesium, chromium and potassium) and vital trace minerals (sanitarium, delirium, geranium and moratorium.)
According to the founder of a revolutionary nutritional product company, I can now expect a life span of 160 years or more, which will give me an extra 105 years of senior citizens' discounts. If you're not taking this amazing supplement, you'll probably die before next weekend.
Naturally, I'm very excited about this--not about your dying before next weekend, but about the opportunity to save your life with minerals. As a new team member of one of the fastest growing nutritional product companies in the world, I want you to enjoy a long, healthy, happy life. Oh sure, you may currently feel happy and healthy, but after talking with me or another concerned team member, you'll realize that you're actually tired, sickly and nutritionally challenged. That's when you'll decide to spend most of your monthly grocery budget on expensive minerals.
Did you know that the Bible mentions several people who lived over 500 years? "WHOA! How did they do it?" you ask in amazement. Well, I'm not sure, but I suspect that they, too, were team members who understood the importance of ordering expensive dietary supplements via a convenient 24-hour toll-free phone number.
Before you run to the vitamin aisle of the nearest drugstore, there's something you should know. Your body can't completely absorb old-fashioned off-the-shelf mineral tablets. Instead, your body needs a special blend of totally dissolved liquid minerals that are available only through concerned team members who are part of a clever pyramid marketing scheme. I mean, who are part of a caring company dedicated to spreading the good news about nature's fountain of youth. Our revolutionary product is almost 100 percent absorbable! I know this is true because a revolutionary nutritionist said so on the revolutionary audiocassette I received with my first order of this revolutionary product.
To understand absorption, imagine that liquid minerals are tiny sports cars speeding all over your body's vast road system, easily delivering essential nutrients to your favorite glands and organs. Solid minerals, on the other hand, are like monstrous semi trucks that are too large to navigate your body's curvy streets and cul-de-sacs (your blood vessels and arteries). Consequently, those "trucks" must stay on the freeway (your main innards) until they reach the exit ramp (your ... um ... well, you get the idea).
Expensive liquid minerals have tremendously changed my life. For example, I no longer spend lazy hours in front of the TV. Actually, I had to sell our TV to pay for a recent order of expensive liquid minerals, but that's not the point. The point is that before taking this revolutionary dietary supplement, I had no energy. In fact, I could eat only one quadruple bacon cheeseburger before becoming drowsy and lethargic. Now, thanks to expensive liquid minerals, I can eat TWO quadruple bacon cheeseburgers and have enough spare energy to walk back to the all-you-can-drink soda dispenser! Now that's a sure sign of robust health!
Skeptics who speak derisively of the aforementioned claims can save their breath, because I don't know what "aforementioned" and "derisively" mean. But even if I did, it wouldn't matter because I strongly believe in the life-extending properties of liquid minerals. And when I'm 158, still spry, strong and partially coherent, I will derisively dance on the graves of those aforementioned critics.
If you want to derisively dance on their graves with me, you should become a team member as soon as possible. And don't forget to mention my name and membership number when you sign up.
Mark W. Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) is planning to celebrate his 154th birthday by swimming around the world while towing an aircraft carrier.
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Saratoga, California Since 1955
