Saratoga News Memorial services now favored over funerals Carl Heintze Funerals, like fashion, keep changing I mention this melancholy fact because of late I've gone to more than my share of rites for the newly departed. It's not through choice, you understand, it's just that I've reached an age when friends and relatives keep drifting away. So in the process of saying goodbye to them I've been attending more funerals than I really want to take in. There was a long period in my life when funerals were rare and another when they were frequent. Because I come from a large family, I went to more than my share of funerals when I was younger, mainly uncles and aunts. There's a marked difference between the last rites of my youth and the last rites now. For one thing most funerals these days aren't called funerals, they're "memorial services." (I'm speaking of Protestant rites for the most part, although the trend has made itself felt in the Catholic church as well.) Memorial services tend to take place a week or so after death, rather than the three days which used to be traditional. Most take place in a church instead of a funeral home, even in these unchurched latter days of the last years of the 20th century. Almost none of them feature the coffin, open or closed, as used to be the case when I was a kid. There's no longer the chance to pass by the deceased and to consider whether he or she looks life-like or as we remembered him or her. So far as I'm concerned that's all to the good. The dead are dead even if they may look asleep. And that's the way it ought to be. I remember the undertaker trying very hard to get me to open the casket for my mother's funeral. "We've done a really good job on her," he said, with considerable pride, an accomplishment neither my sister or I wished to share. We kept the coffin closed, but it was there anyway to remind us she was inside. These days the coffin seldom appears, in part, I suppose, because more and more of the dead elect to be cremated. Which again, it seems to me, is as Martha Stewart says, a good thing. There's not room for all of us in the ground whole, as it were, I fear. Anyway, memorial services are really for the living, not the dead. Even if the coffin is there, the honoree is not going to be able to hear what's going on. Most memorial services now follow a familiar pattern. The minister reads a few passages from the Bible, almost always including "I am the Resurrection and the Life ... ." There's a prayer or two and sometimes a hymn ("Amazing Grace" is a favorite), and then the minister invites friends and relatives to volunteer a few words about the deceased. These can range from the moving to the maudlin. Sometimes they're funny, although not always intentionally. Speakers may be relatives, neighbors or even relative strangers. I'm of a mixed mind about this form of farewell. For someone who is leaving with little to remember, it's embarrassing when he or she gets almost no testimonials from friends or relatives. When someone is genuinely remembered for what he or she did, the tributes may go on far too long. There's also the embarrassing obligation on the part of the minister as to when to end them. And, finally, there's a eulogy. Usually, this is the job of the presiding minister or priest who may or may not know the recently deceased well. It's hard to have much to say about someone you don't know well. It's even harder to say something pleasant, inspiring or memorable about someone who's been if not a backslider, at the least not a very faithful parishioner. I went to one service where the departed, an alcoholic for most of the last years of his life, hadn't done much but drink until he died. He'd never done much for the church; one of his children had committed suicide, and his wife had left him long before he died. The minister struggled mightily and finally concluded his subject had lived a short life and that was probably a good thing. When the service is over, there is still one final rite to be observed and that's refreshments. I suppose this derives from the monster wakes of the 19th century. Whatever its origin, the refreshment phase may range all the way from a full meal to coffee and cookies. The latter is the most frequent end to memorial services. It gives the family a chance to chat with those who've come. It also keeps most churches working hard to keep up with the demand for cookies. I don't know if I think refreshments afterward are a good idea or not. Nor am I really sure if memorial services are better or worse than the old-fashioned funeral. But they're established and we seem to be stuck with them--and with coffee and cookies--for the foreseeable future. [ Back to Contents Page | Saratoga News Home Page | Archives ] This article appeared in the Saratoga News, January 20, 1999. ©1999 Metro Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved.