Photograph by Robert Scheer
Jagdish Vij of Saratoga discusses his arranged marriage before the Saratoga Book Club, which had read the book "Arranged Marriage."
By Michelle Gabriel
Great books, intellectual discussions, a passion for reading and a close camaraderie with others who share these interests are what keeps the Saratoga Book Club going strong year after year.
"I enjoy reading, but it is frustrating to read a book and not have anyone with whom to discuss it," said longtime book club member Karen Bonke. "It is helpful to belong to a group such as this where we're able to share insights and views about the story or the author. Each person brings a different slant to the discussion, and that broadens the knowledge and understanding for everyone in the group."
The book club, an offshoot of the Saratoga and Los Gatos Newcomers and Newcomers Auxiliary, meets monthly at various members' homes. Members decide in September which books they want to read for the year.
"We assemble a list of suggested books and then vote on the 10 we want to read and discuss," says Virginia Katherman, book club chair. "We look for books with meat to them, something that will lend itself to a good, lively discussion."
To belong to the book club, members need to first be a part of Newcomers or its auxiliary, which, according to Saratogan Mary Swentzel, evolved out of developing friendships and shared interests. "You become a member of Newcomers for four years," Swentzel said. "What happened after that was that so many of us enjoyed each other's company, we became the alumni. Remaining in Newcomers would have made the membership much too large."
Following years of playing bridge, tennis and/or golf together as the Newcomers Auxiliary, the women decided to expand their interests and form the book club.
While the focus is on books, food is also given a great deal of attention. "Our group has evolved into a gourmet luncheon club as well as book club," said Louise Webb, Saratoga News columnist and book club leader for January's meeting. "We get to enjoy some really delicious foods."
But once the food has been served, savored and set aside, the members settle down to the task at hand. Moving into another room, they sit in an informal semicircle.
Following the typical format, a different leader each month guides the women through a series of questions about the book they have read. These include asking how symbolic and appropriate they think the title is, how the characters are introduced and developed, if the plot is well executed or vague, and if they feel the ending is satisfactory, disappointing or ambiguous.
In addition to circulating a biography of the author and published reviews, the leader encourages a more in-depth discussion by asking members if the book has a particular meaning for them personally, other than just being a good book to read, and, finally, if members would recommend it to others.
The January book was Arranged Marriage by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, a poet, anthologist and short-story writer who now lives in Sunnyvale. Although the author did not have an arranged marriage herself, she decided to write about it because it is so prevalent in her culture. Much of her material comes from her work with Maitri, a hotline for Indians, Bangladeshi and Sri Lankans. Her short stories take place in the Bay Area and are based on a composite of couples, according to the author.
Although the standard format of guided questions is usually enough to keep the book club discussion going for several hours, in this case extra spice was added by two visitors, both Saratogans, who have arranged marriages and who said the practice has worked well for them.
Jagdish Vij spoke of his experiences growing up in India, where the focus was on education, not dating. "The mind of a 16-year-old girl or boy is not mature enough to understand the freedom and responsibility of dating, even though the body might be," he explained. "Young people are taught to respect the opposite sex as a total person, a human being, not as sexual beings."
Vij emphasized the difference between a love marriage and an arranged marriage. "You don't fall in love, you rise up in a marriage," he explained.
Admitting that people might view it very differently depending on their background, values, education and what they are used to, Vij said arranged marriages have been time-tested and proven. Citing a lower divorce rate in India versus America, Vij said what he sees in America is a cycle of dating, living together, marrying and divorcing. "People continue to search for the ideal spouse but don't have any idea of what they are searching for."
According to Vij, in an arranged marriage the families on both sides come together to sift through potential candidates and arrange fact-finding meetings. "Who cares more about your welfare than your parents," he said, "and who, if not your parents, wants the very best for you?"
Vij and his parents met with three families before a family vote was cast for the young woman who would become his wife. "I certainly had a say in the process," he said, adding that before his generation, when parents decided on a spouse for their child, their decision was final. "Then you would not be given a chance to express an opinion."
Vij met, became engaged and married his bride in 1972. They moved to the U.S. and eventually settled in Saratoga, where they have two sons. Is the marriage successful? "Yes," he answered. "We have very different personalities, but we have learned to work out our differences."
The second speaker was Vijay Shriram, who has been married for 13 years and has two daughters. Shriram, who met and married her husband in 1984, said her husband was already in America when he sent a letter to his mother in India, listing 20 characteristics he wanted in a wife.
"His mother literally sifted through the names and faces of many different women before narrowing it down to five," Shriram explained. "His mother asked for pictures of each person so she could send them to her son. I was the only one who did not want a picture sent. So his mother sent him a list of five names along with four pictures. He was intrigued by the one person who did not want her picture taken."
Shriram met her future husband for the first time on Jan. 1, 1984, in a restaurant in India. She was 21, he was 27, and both families were in attendance. They became engaged Jan. 7 of the same year, married on Jan. 27, and on Jan. 30, her husband returned to the U.S. while she resumed her studies. She joined him in the U.S. in June 1984, after completing her master's degree.
"It works," she said of arranged marriages. "You do have a choice. No one is dragging you down the aisle. If you don't like him or her, you don't get married."
And where does love fit in? "It is not a part of it at first," Shriram explained. "But it is present in little things."
Shriram's parents, who have been married for 45 years, also have an arranged marriage. "I've never heard my father say 'I love you' to my mother, but I can tell by his actions that he does, and very much so. They might not openly tell each other, but you can tell by how much they miss one another when one goes away on business or family matters and how they treat each other when they are together. When you live together for a long time, and you go through the many ups and downs of a marriage, eventually love is there."
Questions were plentiful from the book club members: How will their children find their future mates? What if the children seek love marriages? What if they refuse arranged marriages?
Both Vij and Shriram expressed hope that their children will make appropriate decisions based on their upbringing and experiences within the family. "The American way or the Indian way, those are just labels," said Vij. "The question is, what is the right way, the right methodology to use, in finding the right person. If our children think that our input will be helpful in that process, we will give it most freely."
Shriram says in the case of her daughters, it could go either way. "My daughters will see that arranged marriage works, but what they will ultimately do is hard to say. Hopefully, their experiences at home will work well for them in that process."
And how different are the experiences of the women in the group? The arranged marriage is a practice most Westerners don't understand. However, as discussions among the members showed, perhaps it is not as alien as one might expect. One woman equated arranged marriage to her own circumstances growing up in the '50s, where bringing home a date invited all kinds of queries into what he did, where he lived, and what his parents did. Putting the parental stamp of approval on a marriage in the '50s and '60s was very much a part of her experience, she said.
Dynamic discussions, thoughtful questions and philosophical insights continued long after the two speakers left. If members were hoping for a good, lively discussion, this was as good as it gets.
This article appeared in the Saratoga News, February 5, 1997.
©1997 Metro Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved.