Photograph by Kathy De La Torre
Beverly and Ken Haughton of Los Gatos sit in front of a quilt their children gave them for their 50th wedding anniversary. The quilt features photographs of their wedding and family members.
Built to last
Four couples with more than two centuries of married years between them talk about the day-to-day things that keep them together
By Mary Ann Cook
In this valley, where one out of two marriages hits the skids, the question crops up: What makes those that last, last? And not only last, but thrive? With Valentine's Day fast approaching it seems appropriate to look at some success stories. A gourmet dining group was chosen as the designated target for this informal survey, with the aim of learning something about their winning formulas. Are there any guidelines that contribute to a long and healthy marriage? In short, how do the happily married among us do it?
This group calls itself Adventures Afar and has been meeting since the early '80s, with a nucleus of the same people--all of whom are very active in their community. Once a year they assemble at a home for a potluck dinner and to plan the year's culinary destinations. They meet every few months for dinner at area restaurants.
The lineup includes: Jane and Vince Garrod, and Audry and Greg Lynch of Saratoga; Beverly and Ken Haughton, and Dale and Bob Hill of Los Gatos. Marilyn Buelteman, now widowed, is also part of the group.
Within this core group, certain strong patterns emerge: All these couples cite a strong bonding to family--not just to each other, but to their extended families. Other common factors listed are shared interests and shared values. Respect, commitment and consideration are recurring themes.
Photograph by Kathy De La Torre
Jane and Vince Garrod own stables in Saratoga where approximately 150 horses are kept. They visit their boarders daily.
Jane and Vince
Jane and Vince Garrod have been married the longest--60 years this May--and have the lengthiest lineup of offspring--six children and 12 grandchildren. These two also have known each other the longest, since the eighth grade.
"She rode the streetcar to school, so was always late to class," says Vince. She obviously stood out in his mind, even then. And it was a turnabout attraction: "I must have caught her fancy," he adds, about their early days. He gave her a horseshoe nail, shaped like a ring.
"Here was this little blond boy, shorter than I was in those days," Jane says. "and he bought me a daffodil that year. As time went on, 'We were sorta dating.' " They were always good pals and by their senior year in high school they were definitely an item.
She went to Stanford for its nursing program; he studied at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. Before finishing up their degrees, they married and lived in Berkeley. Meanwhile World War II was on and Vince-- exempt from the draft because of a disability--was needed on the farm. Thus, he earned his agricultural economics degree from Berkeley by correspondence. Meanwhile, Jane earned a public health degree in nursing from Stanford Hospital in San Francisco, later worked in the emergency ward and taught in what is now Santa Clara Valley Medical Center in San Jose.
Vince and Jane Garrod
Through the years, one habit in particular has stood them in good stead, Jane says. It's a ritual that she considers a strengthening agent for a marriage. "We like to tell stories to each other about what we've done during the day," Jane says. "We enjoy each others comments about what's happened. If it ain't funny, what's the point?
"If he were to die before me, that's what I'd miss the most," she says about the evening's revelations and rehashings.
Overriding all other considerations and events is family. "We have a lot of parties, mostly family, but friends, too," Jane says. "When they were growing up we always ate dinner together. I insisted on it. I think that's what people today miss out on. And it was hard then, too, what with six children, and a 16-year stretch in ages."
Of the six offspring, four live on the 150-acre Garrod ranch, which includes horse stables. Three of their children work on the farm, another lives there and works elsewhere. The Garrods own another ranch in Lassen county and one son lives there, raising alfalfa for the horses on the Garrod Ranch.
Vince is on the board of the preservation group, MidPeninsula Open Space Trust, and served on boards for the Los Gatos-Saratoga Department of Community Education and Recreation and Saratoga Elementary School for many years. Jane is a watercolorist, a member of the Saratoga Contemporary Artists. Her work is displayed at Marjolaine Bakery, as well as at the Cooper-Garrod winery and the stables.
Photograph by Kathy De La Torre
Bob and Dale Hill, of Los Gatos, reminisce about their first date. Dale says that Bob had invited her to a group picnic. Two weeks later, he called her on the phone. He said, 'This is Bob.' and she said, 'Bob who?' Apparently, he didn't make a remarkable first impression, but later did.
Bob and Dale
Bob Hill is a consultant in pharmaceutical toxicology. He helps companies that are developing new medicines or equipment to navigate through the tricky shoals of Food and Drug Administration approval. As for the tricky shoals of marriage, "We're each other's best friends," says Bob. "We don't take each other for granted," adds Dale. "He always thanks me for a meal, compliments me."
Dale trained as a physical therapist. When she was taking her exams in her final college days, he called to wish her well. He was calling from the hospital. He had had a severe reaction to rabies treatment that eventually left him physically handicapped and needing a wheelchair. But consideration for her came first: Wishing her well was the first thing out of his mouth.
He's still a romantic: On their anniversary he sends her one red rose for every year. She got 49 last time. For their 50th, the entire family will spend Christmas in Hawaii.
The first dance they went to he showed up in a walking cast, having broken a leg. Undaunted, they danced anyway. "We have a lot of laughs," says Bob. One time in college they went to a costume party dressed in nightshirts as fairy tale characters Wynken, Blynken and Nod. Dale carried Nod, a doll. On the way home car trouble struck. Would they make it back to campus before their curfew?
Bob got out to fix the broken part, nightshirt flapping in the breeze of passing trucks. "It's the first time--either before or since--I've ever been whistled at by truck drivers," he says, laughing.
Bob and Dale Hill
And yes, luck enters into the successful marriage equation. Says Dale, "You have to be lucky in whom you chose. Things can happen that can destroy a relationship. Being friends first and foremost is an integral part of a good marriage. You have to be willing to let the other person do their own thing.
"Fortunately we're somewhat alike: both of us content with each other's company, and we're both moderate workaholics." As witness the fact that Bob is still working after presumably retiring in '85 from Syntex. And that Dale's résumé includes being president of the League of Women Voters and Friends of Los Gatos Library.
She has served on the county grand jury, and her community service has earned her honors from the Junior League and the town of Los Gatos, among others.
There are six grandchildren from three thriving households. "We're satisfied we didn't screw anyone up," she says about raising their three sons.
Photograph by Kathy De La Torre
Beverly and Ken Haughton look through a genealogy book Beverly researched and created of her family. Ken is working on his own family history.
Ken and Beverly
The Haughtons say their romance was pretty straightforward, a steady growth of friendship and romance. "You make a commitment and work things out," says Ken about persevering in a marriage. "She puts up with me," he says, laughing.
Interests in common make the ties stronger and life more fun. In their case that includes genealogy, church and travel, but, most of all, family. For their 50th anniversary the Haughtons combined all those enthusiasms by taking the entire family to Ludlow, England, within 14 miles of Haughton forebears' origins.
There are eight grandchildren and the Haughtons import one per week during the summer months. "It's a lot of fun for all of us and they don't have to compete with their siblings for a week," says Ken. This regime is followed for the grandchildren between the ages of 5 and 17, so they've never had all eight in one summer.
Ken is a retired IBM engineer, and served as the dean of engineering at Santa Clara University for five years. Beverly was training as a nurse when she met Ken on a blind date.
Ken and Beverly Haughton
"We hit it off right away and he was persistent," Beverly says about their courtship. "We're on the same wavelength. We know how each other thinks, what their reaction to something will be. My best advice to couples: Have dinner together (as a family).
"I can't stress the importance of this too much," Beverly says. " It makes a difference." When their children were growing up, a playmate of one of the young Haughtons came for dinner, and marveled later to his mother, "They play math games at dinner." He couldn't believe it.
At the other end of the age spectrum, the Haughtons cared for three aging, incapacitated parents for 20 years. "That unites you: It's a unified effort that helps solidify you as a couple," Beverly affirms.
Last year this couple did the unpardonable: Both got sick at the same time. She undergoing chemotherapy; he with back problems. Friends at their church, St. Edwards Episcopal in Cambrian Park, "took good care of us, got us though," says Beverly. The cancer is in remission.
Photograph by Kathy De La Torre
Greg and Audry Lynch relax in their living room. Their collecting interests differ: She for first-edition John Steinbeck books and he for decorative plates he picks up during his travels. They both, however, play golf.
Greg and Audry
The Lynches, the shortest of the marriages in this examination at 45 years, met at a science fair when they were both seniors in high school. She won first prize, but that evidently didn't daunt Greg; he was the one who continued with a career in science. Before his retirement three years ago, Greg built manufacturing plants in India and Ireland, and started three companies of his own. Audry is a counselor at Bernal Middle School in San Jose, and has written books about novelist John Steinbeck. Greg has embraced a number of pursuits since retiring: He does volunteer work at Ascension Church, and is off to a cribbage championship in Reno soon.
Audry says, "There should be surprises in a marriage or boredom sets in." Greg claims he never knows what's going to be behind the kitchen door when he comes home.
The Lynches say one thing that keeps things lively for them is celebrating birthdays and anniversaries in bang-up ways. For instance, for their 45th wedding anniversary this year, they'll head back to Bermuda, where they honeymooned. This time, however, they'll stay for a month.
Audrey and Greg Lynch
Gifts they buy each other are appreciated and expansive: He gives her jewelry and buys her clothes she wouldn't buy for herself. She gives him travel, such as golf trips with buddies. Quite a generous gift, considering it's proffered by a travel writer. They have three children, two grandchildren and one great-grandchild.
Their recipes for a lasting marriage: patience and perseverance, says Greg, A commitment to vows, tradition and family, says Audry. She also cites similar backgrounds and belief systems as linchpins for a steady foundation. "We're both extroverts, which probably accounts for any rockiness," she adds.
Family, fidelity and plenty of breathing room are the answer for these Valentine couples as to what constitutes a lasting marriage. Yes, the spark is still there, they say, albeit a somewhat quieter spark. It's light may be dimmer, but not its luster.
Saratoga, California Since 1955
