Photograph by Robert Scheer
Photograph by Robert ScheerLiz Witte, 8, gazes out the window during her manners class taught by Saratogan Pat Scharpf.
By Mary Ann Cook
Saratogan Pat Scharpf teaches three classes for three different age groups through the Saratoga Recreation Department--"Ms. Manners Comes to Tea" for 6- to 8-year-olds; "Etiquette for Tweens" for 9- to 12-year-olds and "Leadership for Young People" for 10- to 16-year-olds.
Scharpf's own daughter had benefited greatly from taking an etiquette course when she was 8 and 9, and a few years later, Scharpf wanted to continue the practice and looked around this area for an etiquette class.
There was a class in Palo Alto, but very little this far south at the time, so she decided to teach one herself. "I was a teacher with a home economics degree, and I wanted to work with young people in the areas of values and self-esteem," Scharpf says. The Saratoga Recreation Department was excited by the idea, and she's been teaching manners to local youngsters for the past five years.
Scharpf has taught the leadership course for two sessions. Since she's working on a master's degree in counseling/psychology/education at Santa Clara University, a leadership course for teenagers was a natural progression. She will complete her own leadership training in June.
Scharpf's goal in the manners classes is not to produce perfect ladies and gentlemen, she emphasizes, but to teach children how to be comfortable in and enjoy formal situations. "You need to know what is expected, so that appropriate behavior becomes part of your habits."
How to make introductions, how to behave in a restaurant setting and proper phone etiquette are all part of the curriculum package.
To this end, each of the three Ms. Manners class sessions is held in the P.S. I Love You Tea Room in Saratoga, owned by Pat Smith. In the Tweens class, the fourth and final session is held at a Saratoga restaurant, and the leadership class also closes with food: a power lunch in a Saratoga restaurant. This lunch is attended by two high school senior leaders, who offer their ideas and trade techniques with class members.
Participating Saratoga restaurants include La Mere Michele, La Fondue, Bella Saratoga and La Mouton Noir. All offer discount meals to the young diners.
Respect and self-esteem are the qualities Scharpf strives to instill in her charges, along with the correct mode of behavior.
"Saratoga parents have already done a good job in this area. All I do is reinforce their teachings. Children here have a rich background, culturally and experientially," she says, "and it's a joy to have them share their traditions and strengths.
"I tell them that making mistakes is O.K., that proper behavior isn't sitting statue-still. Neither is acting silly. The right balance is somewhere between those two extremes of being as stiff as a mannequin or cutting up.
"I realize they only have a short attention span, so I change the focus of the class every 20 minutes, every 10 minutes for the younger ones. There's lots of interaction and role playing to keep their interest up. If there's a child who is not entering in, that's a challenge, but there are techniques to get them involved."
For children who seldom sit still and are inclined to be fidgety, she offers some tips to release all that energy, even in confined places like restaurants. These suggestions include excusing oneself, going to the bathroom and doing some stretching there. Successful stretching can also be done by standing next to your chair in a restaurant--if you limit yourself to upper-body movements.
Other techniques for the twitchy that work for her students: Study your surroundings, pick out something that interests you and make up a story about it. One youngster envisioned swinging from the chandelier and landing in a palm tree; another imagined animal figurines coming to life.
"It's normal to get antsy," Scharpf says. And she is alert to teach how best to deal with this impatience. Practice, pride and praise is the motto she uses with her students.
"By learning and practicing manners, you gain respect for yourself, as well as for others, and people want to be around you," says Saratoga's own Ms. Manners.
Scharpf realizes she is bucking the culture, at least a large portion of the culture, because few families sit down and eat together anymore. When her own children were school-aged, Scharpf found it difficult to be a role model for them, even though she recognized that children learn best by example. "We were rushing all the time. I found myself preaching manners."
"It's hard for parents [to teach manners] because it's frustrating. You lose patience and forget how short their attention span is." Scharpf's classes may make more of an impression because children are dealing with someone from outside the family in a different setting.
Because ours is a culture caught up in many activities, sitting down and eating together has become the exception rather than the norm. Scharpf tried to buck that tide in her own family life by having a traditional Sunday dinner where everyone participated in the preparation, including children.
Food is an integral part of the Tween class, what with salad, rolls and dessert on the menu for the first class and spaghetti and peas for the second session. A buffet party with snacks is the format for the third class.
For the younger children's course in the tearoom, a different tea course is added each week. Parents participate in the last class in both courses.
Manners aren't confined to eating, of course, so also included are manners on the soccer field and at scout meetings, as well as computer etiquette for students who share a computer with others in their classroom. The classes also touch on issues such as keeping rooms clean and choosing friends.
In the past, girls have been in the majority in the manners classes, but this seems to be changing. Lately, there are almost as many boys enrolled as girls. Scharpf wants the classes kept small, so enrollment is limited to10, and six or eight is ideal.
The leadership training class appeals to an equal number of boys and girls. It also draws an equal number of aggressive and quiet types. Each personality type learns from the other, Scharpf says.
This class is designed to teach youngsters "how to use your talents to become the best you can be," as Scharpf puts it. Students examine their role models to find out how their own strengths parallel those of their heroes.
By looking at their own strengths and weaknesses, they can determine what they want to improve. But they also learn "what we are doing now that shows our abilities. They explore how to help others and what their own positives are."
She teaches her students "to accept people for who they are, and if we treat them with respect, there's a better chance they'll treat us with respect." This includes those with different sexual preferences and those who are handicapped, as well as people from different cultures.
Besides teaching through the Saratoga Community Center and working on an internship for her master's degree, Scharpf also tutors middle school and high school students in English and math. And now that her son, Jason, 27, and daughter, Maria, 22, are grown, she usually has a couple of high school and college-aged international students, often from Asia or South America, who live with her for three to six months.
Scharpf's undergrad degree is from St. Mary's in Notre Dame, Ind., and she has a master's degree in pastoral studies from Santa Clara University. She was a restaurant reviewer and feature writer for the Saratoga News and other local papers for eight years, was director of the Learning Center in Cupertino and taught home economics for 10 years. She has planned and conducted seminars for adults coping with divorce or other loss.
At the end of the manners courses, students write thank-you notes to their parents. Scharpf has also received some thank-you notes from her charges.
"Thank you for a wonderful three Thursdays at your class," a 5-year-old girl wrote in a letter complete with artwork depicting trees and flowers.
And from an appreciative male: "I really enjoyed the class. Maybe I can take your next class in the spring."
One 12-year-old was so enthused that he promised La Mere Michelle's owner, Joseph Masek, "I'll be back in three years. I want to be a waiter in your restaurant."
This article appeared in the Saratoga News, March 26, 1997.
©1997 Metro Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved.