Saratoga News

Driving in Silicon Valley requires a whole new set of practical rules

By Sue Fagalde Lick

Traffic is worse, my father warned as I planned my most recent trip home to San Jose. You won't be able to handle it. Come on, I said, I learned to drive here. I know my way around. I don't like the crowded freeways, but I can handle the traffic.

Once again, Dad was right and I was wrong. I hate that.

Somehow in my 14 months on the Oregon coast, where I rarely encounter freeways or speeds of more than 50 mph, I had adapted to a slower, gentler pace and forgotten the frustration of taking half an hour to drive five miles, of being trapped in the middle of four lanes of traffic going nowhere, of having cars zoom past me on 280 while I'm going the speed limit. I had forgotten the rules for driving in the Bay Area.

Only prayer and luck got me through my first foray from San Jose to Berkeley. Everywhere I turned, cars were coming at me so fast I was sure I was going to die. Lanes began and ended without warning, especially since I couldn't see around the 18-wheelers being driven as if they were Corvettes.

My late grandmother's method of waving her arm and calling "Just a minute, dearie," would have gotten her squashed like a bug. Counting on other drivers to give me a break because I have an out-of-state license plate didn't do any good either. I could imagine them thinking, "Get out of my way, you hick."

By the time I ventured to Milpitas a week after my arrival, I had relearned the rules. For those who have been away from our near-perpetual gridlock for a while or are new to driving in Silicon Valley, here are the guidelines the natives seem to
follow these days:

* Drive fast. Only wimps and old people obey the speed limit. When the sign says 65, you must go at least 75 miles per hour, preferably faster. Even if roadwork, slow cars or crossing pedestrians appear in front of you, never let up on the gas. Go around, even if you have to ride on the median or the shoulder. Don't stop for ambulances, fire trucks or police cars, either. Only geeks do that.

* Never give an inch. If there's roadwork up ahead and the lane on your right or left is closed, don't let any cars from those lanes merge in front of you. It's their problem if they were stupid enough to start in the wrong lane. Likewise, if someone is merging from a driveway or a side street onto your street, don't let them in. Even if they're on foot.

* Leave late. Convince yourself that traffic will be lighter if you leave a little later, then become enraged when cars are stacked up from Palo Alto to Gilroy because everyone else is trying to avoid the commute, too. Honk your horn, curse the other drivers and know for certain that your stress is greater than their stress.

* Bring something to do. Driving requires only your eyes, ears, brain, both hands and both feet. Creeping down the freeway is the perfect time to put on your makeup, shave, read the newspaper or wolf down a muffin and a latte for breakfast. God forbid you should just drive. Not with your schedule.

* Park as close as you can to where you're going, even if you have to wait with 10 cars behind you for someone to unload his shopping cart. You wouldn't want to have to walk more than a few feet.

* Never walk, ride a bike, take public transportation or share a ride. Only losers who can't get a driver's license or Birkenstock-wearing, granola-eating, New Age environmentalists travel without cars. The rest of us need our wheels. Besides, our schedules are too tight to wait 10 minutes for light rail or a bus.

* Never pause more than one second at a stoplight or the guy behind you will start honking. Don't stop at all if nobody's looking.

* There isn't enough room for everyone on the roads at once, so move quickly, be ruthless, force the other guy to yield. He who snoozes loses.

* Never drive without a cell phone. Pay phones smell bad, and clients are always more impressed when they hear an engine revving in the background. Besides, sooner or later you will need it to call a tow truck.

Got the rules? Good. Now, get out of my way! I'm going home.

Sue Lick is a former editor of the Saratoga News.

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