Commentary
Present-day conquering hero sizes up 'Gladiator'
By Mark Mayfield
Important warning for readers who haven't seen Gladiator: The following column reveals several parts of the movie, including a climactic scene when Maximus (played by Russell Crowe), a former general in the Roman army, bravely dies after a fixed fight with his evil nemesis, Emperor Commodus (played by Joaquin Phoenix).
He then goes to heaven to spend eternity with his beloved wife and son, who were killed earlier in the movie by cruel Roman soldiers (played by actors who resemble cruel Roman soldiers). They were carrying out orders from the aforementioned evil nemesis (played by Phoenix Arizona), a genuine sicko who killed his own father, Richard Harris (played by Caesar), so he could steal the reigns of power from Maximus, who was Caesar's handpicked successor. Anyway, if you don't want to know about that part, please stop reading right now.)
After watching Gladiator, which, in my humble opinion, deserves some kind of award, I decided to change my name to "Markimus," which immediately replaces all of my former names, including Doofimus, Belchimus and Gluteus Maximus. I'm making this change because I believe that a man's name should reflect his personality, and Markimus perfectly reflects my fearless, humble, gladiator-like nature.
Maximus and I have a lot in common. We both are brave Russell Crowe look-alikes who were betrayed and mistreated by our own people. Maximus was arrested by soldiers of his own army for telling the truth about a noble Caesar's dying request.
In 1975 AD, I was betrayed and mistreated by my own father, Dadimus, for telling the truth about attending a friend's party that was disrupted by two uninvited guests, Beerimus and Cannabis. My father's burning anger finally subsided after armed soldiers from the local Policeimus assured him that I, Markimus, was an innocent bystander.
Like Maximus, I always enjoy a good fight to the death. (OK, I'm not sure I could do that decapitation thing with a sword, or that impaling thing with a spear, or that stabbing thing with a dagger, or that chopping thing with a hatchet, or that flaming arrow thing with a flaming arrow, but I'm pretty sure that I could emit a primal ear-piercing battle cry that would make my opponents flee in terror. And if that didn't work, I could grovel at their feet, and offer to wash and wax their chariots.)
Like Maximus, I am a simple man who loves my family: my spouse, Wifeimus, my son, Boyimus, and my teenage daughter, Talk-Backimus. Heck, I even love my dogs, Barkimus and Poopimus.
And like Maximus, I hope to someday to put down my weapons and spend more time at home. Unfortunately, that won't happen until I defeat my wicked, greedy, deceitful, sneaky, heartless, cowardly, power-hungry nemesis. His name is PG&Eimus, and he's really ticking me off.
Markimus (played by Mark Mayfield) would LOVE to vanquish PG&Eimus in the Colosseum.
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Saratoga, California Since 1955
