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Family Daze
Independence Day inspired this Mommy's Bill of Rights
By Debbie Farmer
As this Fourth of July approached, I reflected on the days when I used to have independence. Since the birth of my two children, the only freedom I get is when I hide in the laundry room, on top of the dryer. I decided the Constitution, a model for human rights and democracy, gives little hope to mothers who don't have time to pursue life or liberty, and whose happiness is stopping at a red light to finish brushing their teeth in the rearview mirror. Someone has to uphold the rights of a group of people whose arms are too tired by the end of the day to hold anything else up.
The Mommy's Bill of Rights
Article I: Mom has the right to freedom of speech. She may talk on the phone during the day (and finish a conversation) without having to see a circus sideshow put on by her children, consisting of invisible wounds, lost ladybugs and a gymnastics routine using the sofa and halogen lamp.
Article II : Mom has the right to confiscate any inanimate object used as a weapon, including the television remote or anything found underneath the sofa cushions. Gymnastic Barbie may not be bent into a slingshot and used to pelt unsuspecting siblings with tiny stiletto heels.
Article III: All mothers have the right to bear and utilize one of the most dangerous and powerful weapons in the world--guilt.
Article IV: Moms have the right to peaceful assembly. Once a week mothers will meet a group of friends for a leisurely meal they don't have to cook--while the children stay home with Dad.
Article V: Mom has the right not to be a victim of cruel and unusual punishment. No mom is required to sit through a movie containing talking animals more than once and no one is to climb into her bed before 7 a.m., take all the covers, and warm their cold feet on her back.
Article VI: Mom has the right to unbroken possessions that don't cook, clean or vacuum. No one may enter her room without consent, use her expensive lipstick to draw a hopscotch on the sidewalk, or try to sell the good crystal from a booth in the driveway for a dollar.
Article VII: Mom has the right to bestow wisdom, such as: a public toilet that looks clean is dirty, and a sippy cup that looks dirty is clean.
Article VIII: Mom has the right to donate any toy left on the kitchen floor to charity or string it on fishing line and turn it into a Christmas ornament.
Article IX: Mom has the right to vigorously promote coats and vegetables. Children caught catapulting corn across the dining room with a fork instead of eating it or playing in the rain without a jacket will be severely punished (see Article III).
Article X: Mom has the right to prohibit anyone under 5 from asking "but, why?" before she has had her first cup of coffee.
Amendment I: Mom has the right to love her children unconditionally--forever.
Readers can contact Debbie Farmer at debbie@ecis.com.
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Saratoga, California Since 1975
