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Family Daze
A textbook example of how to become a June Cleaver clone
By Debbie Farmer
Over the years, many readers have sent me versions of the following anonymous excerpt from a 1950s textbook on how to be a good wife. In fact, I've received it so many times, I can't help wondering if everyone is trying to tell me something or scare me. Whatever the reason, I've come to one conclusion: the rules are much easier to update than to follow. So, for your amusement, I've printed them here coupled with more attainable suggestions for the wives and mothers of the new millennium.
1950s: Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
2001: Plan ahead by keeping numbers of restaurants that deliver next to the phone. If he mentions dinner, keep repeating "the pizza is on the way." If, however, he insists on a meal served immediately, go out to eat at a fast food restaurant. Let him know that you're thinking about his needs by gathering the straws and extra napkins while he carries the burgers and fries to the table.
1950s: Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. He might need a lift after his boring day.
2001: Brush your teeth and pick the cornflakes from breakfast out of your hair. If you're feeling romantic, sprinkle a dash of talcum powder behind each ear. Provide a lift after his boring day by telling him the high points of yours, like when the kids adopted a lizard named Steve from the backyard and sent him to live with the lettuce in the crisper.
1950s: Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house before he arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
2001: Pick up the Styrofoam containers and stash the ironing behind the recliner. Throw sofa pillows over the places on the carpet where the baby spit up, turn on public television and pull the cat out from underneath the refrigerator. Collapse.
1950s: Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces. If they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing their part.
2001: Break up the children's latest fight, which started when one of them carelessly breathed too much of the other's air. Explain that it's not nice to pin your little brother down on the floor like that or call anyone related to you "a buggernose."
1950s: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a smile and be glad to see him.
2001: As soon as he comes home, fling yourself at him screaming, "Thank God you're here! Give me the car keys, for goshsakes. The mall is only open until eight!"
1950s: Make him comfortable. Have him sit back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
2001: Brush off the Barbie shoes and old gum from the recliner's seat before he sits down. While the children jump up and down on his stomach, ask him to explain, exactly, why your friend, Judy, got a vacation in the Bahamas for her birthday, while all you got was a 12-inch model of a Volkswagen Beetle with working headlights.
1950s: Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment.
2001: Answer everything he says with "Uh-huh" or "Oh, did you say something, Dear?" Then set the Volkswagen on top of the television set and flash him with the high beams until either the batteries run down or he promises to take you to a movie.
1950s: The Goal of a good wife--Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
2001: The Goal of a good wife--Try to get through the day with all of the important furniture, the Lego whatchamacallit that took three hours to assemble, and your sanity, intact.
Debbie Farmer is the author of Life in the Fast-Food Lane: Surviving the Chaos of Parenting. Order online: www.booklocker.com/bookpages/debbiefamer02.html, call 925.695.2020, x7166 or visit her website at: www.familydaze.com. Email her at paradigmnews@familydaze.com or write to her c/o Paradigm News, Inc., P.O. Box 111372, Stamford, Conn. 06911-1372.
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Saratoga, California Since 1955
