Photograph by Kathy De La Torre
Author Michael Gurian discussed his views on rearing boys during a talk last week at the Calvary Church in Los Gatos.
Parenting Continuum focuses on rearing sons in today's world
Author says boys have different needs
By Jason Baker
Who are our sons? Why are they here and what do they need? Parents of boys face those questions each and every day and are often left with very few answers.
Family therapist Michael Gurian believes many of our boys are in what he calls a moral crisis, created by a society that has for many years ignored the biological and emotional differences of developing boys and girls.
The author of seven books on male development, Gurian on Sept. 28 shared his philosophies on parenting boys with more than 200 people during a lecture at Calvary Church in Los Gatos. The program was part of the Parenting Continuum, sponsored in part by the Los Gatos Union School District, the Parent Education Council and the Los Gatos-Saratoga Joint Union High School District.
Gurian expounded on the major themes of his latest book, The Good Son, in which he discusses the different developmental challenges boys and girls face. The book also provides a complete plan for parenting boys from infancy to adulthood.
Gurian, who lives in Spokane, Wash., first created public debate with assertions in his book The Wonder of Boys that males are suffering from society's suppression of masculinity and attempted homogenization of the sexes. But the high-profile advocate of males said his own role as a father is filled with a bit of irony.
"Yes, it's true. I have two girls. It's actually worked out very well. I'm afraid if I had a son I would have experimented on him," he said jokingly. "God is great."
Gurian's interest in male development was piqued more than 15 years ago by encounters with troubled boys during family counseling sessions. Further biological and cultural research brought him to the conclusions and philosophies discussed in his books, he said.
"I'm not concerned with political correctness," he said. "Political correctness is just a few years old. Nature goes back for millions of years."
Essentially, Gurian said, cultural transitions have led to the neglect and even vilification of characteristics that occur naturally in boys, such as excessive energy and aggression. At the same time, the emotional fragility of boys is being overlooked, hindering both their emotional and moral development. "Morality is a word that's been stretched until it's almost broken," he said. "But morality is simply the development of compassion. If we focus on compassion, everything else follows. That's what Jesus was saying, that's what Buddha was saying, and so on."
Gurian said changes in the traditional family nurturing system have impacted male development. Many families are in disarray; members of the extended family often are far away; most schools do not teach ethics and many churches are poorly attended. The media also are no friend to child development, he said, providing programming that he called "amoral at best."
These factors create a hole inside boys who are searching for their place in society, he said, a hole they often fill with harmful behaviors.
"Boys are more emotionally fragile than girls. It's common sense and all of our grandmothers knew it," he said. "That's what makes it so important to alter the fragmented nurturing system. We can't escape it. We have to have the courage to say some of these guys may need a little help."
Gurian, however, stressed that his parenting program is by no means a solution for all problems boys face. "Parents' intuition is always better than an expert," he said. "We provide the blueprint for you to do with what you will. But the solution starts with the courage to say if we're going to take care of our male community, we're going to have to address these things."
Saratoga, California Since 1955
