Family Daze
Bargain-basement garment actually cost a pretty penny
By Debbie Farmer
I sensed trouble the day my husband returned from shopping clutching a large plastic bag from a discount outlet store. "I went shopping for a shirt," he said, holding out a floor-length garment bag. "But I found a new dress for you instead."
"Why?" I stared at him and wondered why a man who had never even purchased a birthday card suddenly bought me an outfit for no reason.
"I thought it would look great on you," he said. "Besides, it was on sale."
My husband's definition of looking great was wearing a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt with the picture of a talking Chihuahua on the front. But I wanted to show him how much his gesture meant to me, so I was determined to like it. I held my breath as he opened the bag and pulled out a full-length, navy blue, beaded formal gown.
The top had a gathered Lycra front with a low cut back and spaghetti shoulders straps, while the bottom cascaded to the floor and continued halfway down the hall. I thought it looked familiar, then I realized my daughter's Barbie doll had one just like it.
I took it to my room to try it on. As soon as I zipped it up I realized it would've looked great if I were 18, childless and had the body of a 6-foot supermodel.
The spaghetti straps were only for decoration and the Lycra top mashed everything above my waist into my ribs, and made my chest look low and flat. When I walked down the hall to show my husband, the skirt dragged on the floor behind me and I lost my chest somewhere around my belly button.
"See, I told you," my husband said. "It looks great! You can wear it to the company party."
I didn't want to hurt his feelings so the next day I spent all afternoon shopping for appropriate undergarments that could either lift, constrain, or support my figure without being seen under the thin shoulder straps. Fifty dollars later, I finally found apparel that would work, as long as I didn't make any unnecessary sudden moves, like breathing.
After that, I brought the dress to a seamstress to have it shortened, then went to a local tanning salon so the sight of my bare back in public wouldn't cause snow blindness. I was a little nervous since I prefer to get my tans outside, usually next to a pool or an ocean, while sipping a mai tai.
When the attendant brought me back to a booth, I passed a dark brown lady in a bikini, staggering out of the tanning area while fanning herself with a paperback book.
"A new bathing suit from my husband for our cruise to Tahiti," she said. "And you?"
"A strapless evening gown with a low back for the company party."
She nodded knowingly.
By the night of the party I had reached the limit on my credit card, but the dress was ready to wear.
I came down the stairs and kissed my husband on the cheek. "Thank you for the dress. It's perfect," I lied.
"I wanted to get you something special," he said. "Besides, it only cost $28-- and you know I can't resist a bargain."
I nodded numbly. Then, as I picked up my new $40 purse and matching navy blue sweater, hoisted the front of the gown in place over my $50 undergarments, and put both spaghetti straps back on my $30 tanned shoulders, I hoped next time he wanted to buy me something on sale, he'd get something we could better afford--like a platinum diamond ring.
Debbie Farmer can be contacted at ParadigmTSA@familydaze. Copies of her new ebook, The Best of Family Daze, can be purchased at her website, www.familydaze.com.
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Saratoga, California Since 1955
