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Photo illustration by George Sakkestad
Parents received a lesson in how to talk to their children about sex when volunteers from The Parenting Continuum held a workshop on April 3 at Fisher Middle School in Los Gatos. The workshop targeted parents of students in grades 5-10, but parents of children in all age ranges were represented.
Parents get advice on how to discuss sex with their children
Talk often and honestly, workshop counselors say
By Jennifer McBride
They sipped coffee from paper cups and munched on cookies as they sat at tables facing a large projection screen, wondering what to expect.
Mary Buxton, a licensed clinical social worker, and Dr. Carole Cook, a gynecologist from Good Samaritan Hospital, gave a welcoming smile and tried to put the crowd of local parents at ease. Buxton turned to a woman sitting in the front row.
"What brought you here tonight?" she asked.
"Well, my son is in second grade, and he's already asking me what sex is," the woman answered. "I tell him, 'Well, I'm a female and you're a male,' but that answer's just not good enough for him anymore. He keeps asking."
A father in another row raised his hand and said, "My daughter is in 11th grade. She's not asking me anything, and that's what concerns me."
Another mother said, "My 10th-grader tells me I'm totally clueless as to what's going on in high schools. So, I'm here to find out what kids know, and what they don't know. What are teens doing these days?"
The group was small, but the issues were anything but.
Buxton and Cook are volunteers in The Parenting Continuum, which is a cooperative partnership of the Elementary Education Council of Los Gatos Union School District, Adult Education and the Healthy Lifestyles Committee of Los Gatos-Saratoga High School District, and Community Against Substance Abuse. The gathering April 3 at Fisher Middle School was a workshop offered to parents on the topic of sexual education, and how to talk to their children about sex. The workshop was aimed at parents of children in grades 5-10, but it seemed parents of all age ranges came that night looking for a little help. Buxton explained, "The age range of grades 5-10 is before sex starts, and before your kids stop talking to you. So now is the time."
Buxton and Cooke say parents face similar challenges and hesitations when trying to find a way to talk to their children about sex.
If it seems the child gets embarrassed, Cooke suggests, "Let your children know that you're there; you're a source. Let them know you're here when they are ready."
A lot of parents turn to reading materials for advice, or try to convince their children to read a book or watch a video with them. Cooke says a helpful and often successful alternative to consider with shy children is to leave the book, pamphlet or video out in a place they'll see it and look at it on their own. Buxton says she likes to put pamphlets in the pouches on the backs of the front seats of the car, so they face her son in the back seat. When driving to the grocery store or school, she says her son will get bored and start reading them just to entertain himself.
Other challenges for parents, Cooke says, are insufficient knowledge or fear that sex education will actually pique curiosity and make them want to experiment. However, Buxton says, in her experience the opposite is true. "It has been proven, in many cases, that sexual education actually leads more children to want to wait," she says. Lastly, Buxton and Cooke say the lack of a model from their own childhood is a big challenge for parents. Their parents never talked to them about it, so they have no experience on which to draw.
Cooke says the most important thing parents can do for their children is be "an askable parent with a solid opinion." She suggests parents tell their children exactly when they think they should have sex--after marriage, once they have been with a significant other for at least a year, after age 16, or whenever the parent feels it is most appropriate. Communicate that opinion to the child clearly, she says.
However, it's also important to realize that the child may not heed the suggested timeline. Buxton says, "There's been a lot of talk about the Bush administration's 'abstinence-only policy,' but I think the problem with [that kind of] teaching model is that it may encourage kids to delay intercourse, but then, once they do start having sex, many of them won't use protection." Therefore, Buxton says she prefers the Los Gatos Union School District's policy of "Abstinence First--Then Be Safe."
Both Buxton and Cooke say parents need to remember that, with sex comes other important issues that should not be forgotten. It is important to talk to children about the changes going on in their bodies at puberty; children can be very confused about what is normal and what to expect. Parents should make it a point to praise their children and make them feel attractive, and to talk to them about their bodily changes and make sure they know that they are normal, and that every child's body develops at a pace that is right for them. Cooke suggests parents tell stories about what it was like for them. She also says parents should look for warning signs; drastic appearance changes such as tattoos, wildly colored hair and piercings point to a child who is not comfortable with his or her body.
Peer pressure is also another huge issue. Along with the pressure to smoke, do drugs or drink alcohol comes the pressure to have sex. Cooke and Buxton say children should be told that, even though their friends may say they are having sex, that doesn't mean they actually are--many kids will say they are just to look cool to their friends.
"Say yes, you understand the desire to fit in and be accepted, but your child needs to remember the possible consequences. Ask them, do they really think they'll still be 'included' if they get pregnant or catch a [sexually-transmitted disease]?" Cooke says.
She also urges parents to explain that love is different from attraction and lust, and that "falling in love" is not the same thing as actually being in a serious, long-term, committed relationship. Parents should also talk to their children about the pain and emotions of a break-up, and tell their children that a partner who loves them will respect their boundaries.
Sexual orientation is another issue; Buxton says it is not one parents can ignore.
"It is not a choice. It does not require treatment. Counseling cannot fix it. Love your child," she says.
Whatever method a parent employs, Buxton and Cooke say one of the biggest tips they can offer is not attempting to get it all out of the way in "one big talk"--many small, frequent talks can be more effective, and keep the parents' advice at the forefront of their children's minds.
And if more help is needed, The Parenting Continuum is here.
For more information on The Parenting Continuum, visit www.lgusd.k12.ca.us/ parentcontinuum.html or contact Mary Buxton at 408.371.4847 or www.marybuxton.com. Advocates for Youth is a nationwide resource for parents. Visit www.advocatesforyouth.org.
