Saratoga News

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Photograph by George Sakkestad

Before Meg Steiger goes to a meeting at Argonaut Elementary School, she looks for money to give to her daughter Chelsea, 10, so she can go to Jamba Juice.

Holding It Together

Being a mother is a tough enough job, but going it alone is a real challenge

By Michele Leung

For no pay and little recognition, mothers do it all. They make the meals and make sure there are clean clothes in the closet. They were the ones who woke up in the middle of the night to feed us when we were helpless. And they're the ones who are always courageous enough to kill that big black spider in the corner of the room.

Yet single mothers have an even tougher job. A recurring chorus heard from single moms is that their biggest struggle is making family and work fit together in a 24-hour cycle.

While single parents can depend on relatives, friends and organizations when life gets too hectic, they can only call for help from others for so much. So they learn to do things on their own they never thought they'd do, like fixing the car and cleaning the gutters. They also grapple with weighty family decisions that only they can make since there is no other grown-up in the family who can be their sounding board.

But despite obstacles of being a solo parent, some local moms are showing that they are making it work. While they may desperately wish for more hands and hours, their children are proof they are doing something right. Their children, they say, are the reason why they keep getting up in the mornings.

Finding a balance

For Saratoga resident Meg Steiger, her biggest challenge is to find balance between work and home life. She teaches fourth grade at Argonaut Elementary School and has two daughters, Chelsea Miller, 10, who attends Saratoga Elementary School, and Hayley Miller, 13, a student at Redwood Middle School. Steiger says she needs to make split-second decisions about what to do if her girls are sick, whether to stay home or go teach. Then, there is the juggling act she has to do when her they have to be picked up at the same time from different places. The list goes on.

"It never lets up," she said.

But Steiger is generous with her time. She supports her Argonaut students by attending their special performances.

"I'm very involved with the community," she said. "I try to get to as many things for them."

Steiger, 44, had been married for six years when she got divorced in 1997. Three years later, she married again, only to be widowed in 2003. Currently, she relies on her network of friends and her parents, who also live in Saratoga, to help her make it through each day. Help is never too far away.

"Being a teacher in this area, I know everybody," she said.

But living on one income in Saratoga can be tricky. After play dates in some Saratoga houses that can be almost palatial, her daughters come home to a modest two-bedroom townhouse. The set up is cozy; the girls have to share a bedroom. But Steiger, who grew up in Saratoga herself, said she chose to raise her daughters here because of the safety.

"They're good-natured," Steiger said of her two girls. "They love my job, the fact that I'm a teacher. They know what that means financially."

A family of three living on a teacher's salary means that Steiger has to look for help sometimes, such as financial aid for camp.

"We've never lived high on the hog," she said.

Besides finances, another issue Steiger had to face as a single mom was her loneliness, especially during the weekends her daughters were with their father in Cupertino. "It's hard to socialize when you're a single parent," she said.

A year after her second husband died, Steiger was looking for a companion to share in her interests in the arts. But dating came with its own share of issues.

"The complications are endless," she said. "The first thing you think is how will this affect the kids. I didn't secretly date. I only introduced them to that person when I thought he would be around for a while."

Steiger looked at what eHarmony had to offer and found love in Herb Ebner, who lives in Los Gatos. The two are planning to marry in the summer.

"I have no qualms," she said of walking down the aisle for the third time. "I love how he interacts with the girls. I'm so pleased to have found someone compatible, where I can be myself."

While Steiger will soon close the single-mom chapter of her life, she said some personality characteristics she carries now took root during her time as a single parent. She's more self-assured these days, she said.

"I have grown up so much," she said. "I like who I am for the first time. I have overcome tremendous odds, and I can stand on my own two feet."

Despite the pain and the grief she has gone through as a single parent, motherhood is still a joy for her.

"The greatest reward is seeing how my daughters are growing," she said.

Watching two distinct personalities develop in her girls has been particularly satisfying to the Saratoga mom. Hayley, the oldest, is strong-willed and assertive, a quality Steiger said she lacks in herself.

"It blows me away how she stands up for herself," Steiger said.

Chelsea, the younger daughter, was born to entertain others. "She's like me," Steiger said. "She's outgoing and a little pistol."

Through the tribulations of being a single mom, Steiger has embraced her role.

"I have so much more confidence," she said. "I feel that there is nothing that can happen that can throw me off. If I can do it, anybody can do it."

On her own

While Steiger can rely on a web of carpool friends and grandparents to help out, Kristine Van Tassel of Los Gatos isn't as fortunate. Her family lives in Hollister, and she has been a single mom ever since 6-year-old Jocelyn was born.

"I knew I was going to be a single mom," Van Tassel said of her unplanned pregnancy.

Van Tassel's days don't provide much free time. The 33-year-old woman works the front desk of a medical office in West San Jose and picks up her daughter in the evenings at the Peppertree School of Los Gatos, where Jocelyn goes after finishing her day as a first-grader at Louise Van Meter Elementary School.

"I don't have enough time in the day," she said. "I'm already tired when I go home, and I'm the only one to cook and help with homework."

Like Steiger in Saratoga, finances are also a challenge for Van Tassel. To make it work, Van Tassel sometimes seeks help from Cupertino Community Services, an agency that provides financial and housing assistance to local families. In addition, she benefits from subsidized housing from Catholic Charities.

"Sometimes I do feel embarrassed to be asking for help," Van Tassel said. "I try to spend my money wisely."

The Los Gatos woman didn't put her social life on the back burner just because she was a single mother, though. There is a boyfriend in her life now.

"It's still new, and it's kind of nice," she said. "When I'm dating, I have to think how he will be toward my daughter. We're a package deal."

Even with the ups and downs of money and dating, the heartfelt bond she has with her daughter remains constant. Jocelyn is mildly autistic, and communication is one thing the first-grader struggles with.

"When I first found out about the diagnosis, it did cause some sort of depression. I didn't know much about autism," Van Tassel said.

There is an organization called Parents Helping Parents, a resource center for families with special-needs children. While Van Tassel said she'd like to take advantage of what they offer, she can't afford to attend the workshops. So she does her best to bring Jocelyn up on her own.

"I pray that when she does get to be at an older age, she can have a job and be independent," she said. "I'm doing my best to raise her that way."

Van Tassel doesn't have an extensive support network to back her up, but she does what she can to be a part of her daughter's life. The two love to lounge at home and watch movies, shop at Target, or go on a car trip to Hollister to see Van Tassel's mother.

"My daughter is my creation," she said. "She's makes me laugh, and she's so funny. She's amazing, and I love her."

Focus on the kids

Lisa Sgarlato of Los Gatos holds similar sentiments about her children. Single for six years, Sgarlato lives with her daughter Deanna, a 14-year-old who goes to Raymond J. Fisher Middle School, and her son Tommy, an 8-year-old who attends Lexington Elementary School. She says that she is happier and feels free now as a single mother.

"It's a relief to be in charge of yourself and not have to fight with someone about what your day will entail," she said.

Sgarlato works as a real estate sales and loan consultant with Monte Sereno Properties. She is thankful that her flexible schedule allows her to be with her children and volunteer for school functions. She was formerly the CEO of a medical device company, a position that required her to travel frequently. However, Sgarlato changed her lifestyle and career to spend more time at home. Consequently, she said her relationship with her children has changed for the better.

"Because it's all on me, I'm more connected to my children than I would be," she said. "My focus is completely on the kids."

The attention she gives to her children and their schools is evident. She is president of the Home and School Club at Lexington, which raised $60,000 for school programs. She also volunteered this past year with Los Gatos Education Foundation to get local businesses to advertise in the schools' phone directories. She also coaches her daughter's soccer team.

"I find that being involved in the community is the greatest thing you can do," she said. "It helps me keep in touch with my kids."

Maybe a family that has fun together stays together. Sgarlato said she's found great joy in being with her children, which is even sweeter after going through an unpleasant marriage.

"Nobody laughs harder than us," she said.

Being a single mom has meant tending to household chores that have traditionally been the father's responsibility.

"I learned to fix the car, clean the gutters, throw the football, replace the wall socket," she said.

Her home purchase in Los Gatos came at the right time, she said.

"I never thought I'd own a home without a husband. I didn't know anything about
fixing things," she said. "I took it as an
experience to learn and go forward."
Living a full life

Joanne Alvord of Saratoga would love to have all of her children with her like Sgarlato does, but right now only Alvord's youngest child, Sarah Eppard, 10, lives with her. The oldest, Colin Eppard, 16, lives in Ventura with his father, while the middle son Cheyne Eppard, 14, lives with a family friend in Santa Cruz. Alvord was married for almost 18 years when that marriage broke up, and the family had lived in Santa Cruz for many years.

"It's emotionally draining not to have my family with me," she said.

But Alvord, 46, won't let the distance between Saratoga and Santa Cruz keep her away from Cheyne's baseball games. Before driving to the games, she relays her maternal concerns to her son over the phone.

"I ask him, 'Are your clothes clean? Have you stretched?'" she said. "Attending his games is really important."

She is able to make the drive down thanks to a flexible schedule as a real estate agent with Alain Pinel, a job she does alongside her mother. Alvord said she's thankful for her parents, Fred and Dorine Alvord of Saratoga, for baby-sitting her daughter and picking her up from school when she can't. Alvord has moved back into her parents' home--a temporary setup, she said.

"I'm trying to build enough savings to buy my own," Alvord said.

Finding balance as a single mother also means taking care of her own needs, too, and a dating relationship helps.

"Being in a relationship gives me more strength because there is someone who believes in me and someone who stands by me," she said. "It's a support system."

She left a bad marriage almost three years ago, and her singleness has taught her some lessons she'd like to pass on to her children and other divorced women. She tells them the importance of living a full life and not letting the past drag them down. Being a single mom has been worth it, Alvord said.

"I have grown up," she said. "I love all three of my children despite the challenges. I always will."

Like married mothers, single moms have to juggle their children's needs with their own, but their task is more difficult because there is no one to share the load. There is no training manual so they have to figure it out as they go along. It's not how much money they bring in at the end of the day or who notices their job as a mother. What matters is that they played an important role in their children's lives.