Saratoga News

Columns

Talking before thinking can get a guy in a lot of trouble

By Dick Sparrer

I can't believe it came out of my mouth!
You know what I'm talking about. Haven't you ever said something that you wish--I mean you really wish--you hadn't said? You know, something really stupid that can only get you in trouble?

Sure you have. When you hear the words, you can't believe they actually came out of your mouth. You say to yourself, "Did I say that out loud?"

You look around for someone else who sounds a lot like you who may have just thrown his voice in your direction. But there's no one there. You said it, and you wish you could just reach out, gather up those words and stuff them back in your mouth--if it wasn't for that big foot that was there already.

Yeah, well, I did it last year.

It was Mother's Day, right? And I did it all for my wife ... the $24.95 bottle of cologne, the Whitman's Sampler and the obligatory Hallmarks. So I figured that was that. Then it happened.

"Thanks for everything," she said ever so sweetly. "But aren't you going to wish me a happy Mother's Day?"

"Why should I ... you aren't my mother."

The words were out of my mouth before I knew it. Before the brain kicked in with the warning signal ("Stupidity alert! Sound the alarm! Stupid words about to pour out of your mouth!!!"). The tongue just started flapping all by itself.

It was warm on Mother's Day ... you'd probably even call it hot. But her icy stare froze me like a popscicle.

"Uh, I mean, um, happy Mother's Day," I stammered. "Of course I wish you a happy Mother's Day ... a glorious Mother's Day."

It was too late. The damage had been done, and there was nothing I could do to repair it (short of washing the kitchen floor ... and I wasn't prepared to go quite that far).

The rest of the day was very quiet ... except for the occasional slamming of a book on a table or the crashing of pots and pans (I was just relieved that my body parts were in no way involved in the slamming and crashing).

But the afternoon of solitude give me a chance to reflect on others whose lips have flapped before the brain kicked it with the warning signal. And believe me, there have been many.

Like Davy Crockett, when he told his fellow Kentuckians in the spring of 1836, "I hear Texas is nice this time of year." Or Gen. George Armstrong Custer when he said, "How tough can a few Indians be?"

But there have been more:

* "Read my lips, no new taxes!" George Bush Sr. would have been much better off had he simply mouthed the words, thereby only alienating those voters who were lip readers.

* "Dewey wins!" The Chicago Tribune didn't say it, it printed it. But no doubt the staff wished they hadn't when Harry Truman actually won the presidential election of 1948.

* "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." The GOP got plenty of mileage out of Bill Clinton's remarkable statement. Too bad he wasn't just talking about Hillary.

* "Blacks lack the necessary tools to work in the front office in baseball." Now there's a brilliant statement. Fortunately, those turned out to be the final words Al Campanis uttered as an executive for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Don Imus could have learned a lesson from Al's stupidity.

* "I am not a crook." As soon as he said it, most Americans were convinced that Richard Nixon probably was.

* "The 49ers select Notre Dame tight end Ken McAfee in the first round." Ken who?

* "I don't remember." Ronald Reagan's explanation of the diversion of funds in the Iran-contra affair didn't exactly endear him to the public.

* "You say potato and I say potatoe," and just about everything Dan Quayle said from 1988 through 1992.

Well, I "did not have sexual relations with that woman" (honest), and "I am not a crook." What's more, I did remember the special day.

So I guess in the overall historical picture, what I said to my wife last year wasn't all that bad.

Of course, George Santayana once said, "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Well, I'm not exactly sure who ol' George was, but I do know that he was one very wise man who must have been married.

So for George, myself and all of the other husbands out there, to all of our lovely wives ... Happy Mother's Day! And this Sunday, I think I'll keep my mouth shut and let a Hallmark do my talking for me.