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Photograph by George Sakkestad

Saratoga's Esther Dickler has written a book, 'Please Leave Me ... Don't ... ', describing her experiences in eight years as the caregiver for her husband, Steve.

Dickler lives the vow, 'In sickness and in health'

By Michele Tjin

It's an old-fashioned love story. When Esther and Steve Dickler got married in 1942, they had known each other for a grand total of six months. Their courtship was a quick one, but it felt so right.

"His mind was something that drew me to him," said the Saratoga woman. "And physically, he was attractive."

They promised each other they would stay by each other's side, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. Esther Dickler stuck by her pledge when her beloved got sick, took a turn for the worse and required care around the clock. After all, that's what soulmates do for each other.

"We had a special kind of relationship," she said. "He was the love of my life."

Esther, now a resident of Saratoga Retirement Community, has just published her first book, Please Leave Me ... Don't ... , which chronicles her experiences of taking care of her husband for eight years.

Starting in 1970, his kidneys began to fail. Three times a week for 10 hours at a time in their Saratoga home, Esther had to hook him up to the dialysis machine that filtered his blood. She was also responsible for cleaning and sterilizing the machine. What's more, she went through the ordeal by herself.

"We had no children, and my family didn't live near me," she said. "There were no support programs at the time. I was alone with him and the kidney machine."

Esther said she considered it her job to care for her husband.

"It was my problem to keep my husband alive," she said.

But Esther, a registered nurse who retired when she had to stay home with her husband, found her limitations. She had thoughts of suicide, bouts of depression, irregular heartbeats, colic and eczema. She was angry, sad and resentful.

"Yet this was the man my whole life depended on," she said.

After eight years of dialysis, her husband died in 1978 at age 68.

Esther decided to go to Paris to heal, despite not knowing anyone there or the language.

"I felt that in order to continue living, I had to do something drastic. What could be more drastic than moving to a foreign country where you don't know the language?" she said.

For a year, Esther took classes at Alliance Française, a French language school, and hired a tutor to be more proficient. Time away from Saratoga was just the right medicine.

"I couldn't work at all," she said. "I had practically no life."

Thoughts of suicide finally subsided, and after a year abroad Esther felt ready to move back home. She returned to Saratoga to tend to her house.

Esther said her book, which describes the eight years by her husband's side, has a relevant message because there are many baby boomers today who are taking care of their elderly parents. She said she wants to show readers how not do it, and to let them know that in the midst of their despair there is hope for them.

"I tell them not to be superhuman," she said. "They have to look at the illness from an objective point of view. You have to distance yourself emotionally. You need support programs."

According to the National Alliance of Caregiving, there are 44.4 million adult caregivers caring for a family member 18 years or older, and many of them are doing it while working. Gail Hunt, president and CEO of the organization, said support for those who have to take care of relatives is critical. The caregivers are already suffering from stress and lack of sleep; on top of that, they are apt to miss their medical appointments.

"They neglect their own health because their family comes before them," Hunt said.

Esther provides guidelines for others who are caring for relatives. She said she fully understands the dangers of not seeking help, and she wants the community to know what she knows. Her friends are eager to read about her experiences for themselves.

"She shows there is a full life ahead," said Vada Jo Hollingsworth, a friend who attended adult education writing classes with Esther.

Meanwhile, at Saratoga Retirement Community, there has been a buzz about the book from the residents, Esther said. Fellow seniors have shown an interest in her story, with several of them placing an order for the book. Esther is already set for a book-signing party at the retirement home.

"They're stopping me in the hall and asking when the books are coming," she said. "I feel like I just had a baby."