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Nation faces crisis of nude proportions
By Mark W. Mayfield
An insidious plague is spreading through America. It's a powerful, relentless, indiscriminate force that is systematically unraveling the moral fabric of this once great nation. No, I'm not referring to that stupid talking Chihuahua. I'm referring to a crisis that should concern every decent, fully clothed person in America: unnecessary nakedness.
Unnecessary nakedness is everywhere. Our children idolize movie stars who proudly display their unnecessarily naked bodies on the big screen. TV bombards us with shows featuring unnecessarily naked cops and lawyers, who eagerly comply with the Network Pledge of Plentiful Promiscuity by frequently sharing their beds with criminals, clients, witnesses, judges and other TV cops and lawyers.
Even certain prominent politicians engage in unnecessary nakedness, and I'll have plenty of proof when I develop the black and white surveillance photos. (If certain prominent politicians want to avoid the public humiliation that such photos would cause, please send me a cashier's check for $50,000. If you don't do it right now, you frisky rascals, I'll publish the photos in my new monthly magazine, Scuzzy Politicians Without Clothes.
Before proceeding, I want to plainly state my official position on conventional nakedness: I'm all for it. After all, conventional nakedness is extremely useful during a wide variety of morally acceptable procedures, including medical examinations, showers and baths, fraternity pranks, marital obligations and changing underwear after a really sweaty workout on a stationary bike.
Nor do I object to animal nakedness, since nature has covered most of the really objectionable parts with fur. (Anybody who's visited the primate area at the zoo probably wonders why nature didn't put a little extra fur on certain animals, namely baboons, who shamelessly flaunt an appalling "let-it-all-hang-out" attitude that should deeply offend any right-minded American. Check out some appalling let-it-all-hang-out pictures in my other new monthly magazine, Shameless Baboons Without Enough Fur.)
What I DON'T condone is the nonessential, recreational nakedness that permeates our culture. I discovered the extent of this problem several years ago, when my newborn son triumphantly emerged from a womb that had grown to the size of a generous walk-in closet. After I approached the obstetrician and intelligently voiced my concerns (I believe that my exact words were "Hey, Doc, can't you hurry this up so we can put some pants on the little guy?"), he quickly summoned hospital security to remove me from the delivery room.
When my exhausted wife, who owns and operates the aforementioned womb, didn' t object to my removal (I believe that her exact words were "Get Mr. 'I'm-Just-a-Love-Machine' OUTTA HERE!"), I knew that society's indifference toward nakedness had reached epidermal proportions.
The Internet significantly contributes to this morass. Anybody with access to the web can unintentionally stumble across some incredibly lewd material.
To demonstrate the ease of accidentally encountering such objectionable material, I'm now searching the Internet for harmless information about one of my favorite cartoon characters, Yogi Bear. Hmmm, this site looks interesting. I'll just click right here and . . . WHOA, NELLY! WHAT'S THIS!? That's not Yogi! That's not Boo-Boo! And that's DEFINITELY not Mr. Ranger! Heck, they're not even in Jellystone park! These pictures are disgusting! These pictures are vile! These pictures are pure filth! These pictures are taking WAY too long to download! I NEED A FASTER COMPUTER!!
The preceding incident never actually occurred. I was simply using a complicated journalistic technique called 'misleading the reader' to demonstrate what COULD happen when an innocent web surfer unexpectedly stumbles upon unnecessary nakedness.
I sincerely hope this column has caused you to ask yourself this important question: "Why did they put such stupidity in a respectable family newspaper?" No, actually, I hope this column has caused you to ask yourself THIS important question: "Am I going to sit here and do nothing while my beloved country slowly drowns in a cesspool of unnecessary nakedness?"
If your answer is no, please call an influential politician and tell him to put some clothes on.
Mark W. Mayfield (itsmark@sirius.com) is a freelance writer.
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Sunnyvale, California Since 1994
