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Deep thinker seeks divine guidance
By Mark Mayfield
Being a deep thinker like me isn't easy. Deep thinkers like me face problems the rest of you can't even imagine. Deep thinkers like me often lie awake at night, tossing and turning, deeply contemplating unfathomable mysteries, deeply pondering paradoxical scientific theories that would drive shallow thinkers insane, deeply wondering whether a large bowl of chocolate-chip ice cream and a Ding Dong would help us get to sleep. Our huge, overworked brains literally throb and bulge as we deeply ask ourselves these deeply baffling questions--What is eternity? Where does the universe end? Is there intelligent life in Washington, D.C.? If a "bottomless cup of coffee" really exists, would it prove the existence of a bottomless jar of non-dairy creamer? And why would anybody use the words "deep" and "deeply" so many times in a single paragraph?
Lately I've been deeply thinking about a bumper sticker that was apparently designed by God himself. It asks this ominous question--"What part of 'Thou Shalt Not' didn't you understand?"
Well, God, now that you mention it, I would really appreciate a few more details about a couple of your Ten Commandments. Of course, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," is pretty self-explanatory, but I need a teeny bit of clarification on your definition of stealing. Let's consider a purely hypothetical situation: A devout Christian boy, who attends Sunday school every week, is walking along, minding his own business, when he finds a $5 bill on the ground. After carefully considering the difficulty of finding the rightful owner, he decides to spend it on baseball cards. (Of course, he desperately yearns to give the money to the world's poor people, but he can't find any of them in the immediate vicinity.) Wouldn't that be a simple case of "finders, keepers, losers, weepers"?
Okay, what if it was a $10 bill, and the incredibly virtuous boy, who loves his neighbor as himself, strongly suspects that the person who lost the cash is the same evil bully who stole his 10-speed Schwinn Varsity bicycle and his brand new first-basemen's glove? In a way, wouldn't the money really belong to the saintly boy, who never curses, lies or takes your name in vain?
OK, just for the sake of discussion, let's say that it's a $20 bill, and your humble, obedient servant, who knows all the words to "How Great Thou Art," who almost cries when he sees pictures of hungry children in other countries, and who loved that Moses movie with Charlton Heston, actually saw the money drop from the thief's pocket at 11:02 a.m. on July 14, 1970? By keeping the money, wouldn't he be teaching the lousy, stinkin' sinner a valuable lesson about "reaping what you sow"?
OK, now, just to make sure that I completely understand your position on this particular issue, let's just say that the blasphemous, foulmouthed bully chases the honest, trustworthy, wholesome boy, who never bears false witness against his neighbor, into a nearby department store while yelling, "IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THAT MONEY, YOU'RE DEAD, MAYFIELD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!" Wouldn't the honest, God-fearing, Bible-believing boy, who always honors his mother and father, always makes his bed in the morning, always tries to be his brother's keeper, always prays for his enemies, and almost always forgives those who trespass against him, be totally blameless for smacking the pursuer's face with a detached arm from a store mannequin?
That last purely hypothetical question has deeply bothered me for the last 30 years, so I'd really appreciate a prompt response.
Now, about the ninth commandment, I fully understand the "thy neighbor's wife" part, but does that "no-covet" rule also apply to thy neighbor's 6.5 horsepower, self-propelled, easy-start, rear-drive mulching lawnmower? I really try to ignore it, but when I hear the low, powerful rumble of the super-efficient engine, and watch the mower glide effortlessly over thick grass as my smiling neighbor strolls behind it, a strong sense of covetousness stirs within me. Is that a major sin, or just a minor infraction? Because if it's gonna cause big problems, I could always move to another neighborhood.
And while we're on the subject of commandments, would I be out of line to request an 11th one that outlaws Regis Philbin? Many of us deep thinkers would deeply appreciate it.
While deeply thinking about today's column, Mark Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) bravely endured the incomparable pain of a huge, throbbing brain.
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Sunnyvale, California Since 1994
