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Assistant to chief earns recongition for courage
By Gretchen Knaup
Sharan Vance, administrative assistant to Irwin Bakin, chief of Sunnyvale Public Safety Department, often takes time from administrative duties to promote public awareness of domestic violence and to serve as a victim's advocate for the city of Sunnyvale.
"After I get the reports, I call the victim and offer advice, help, and answers to any questions," Vance said. On the weekends and evenings, she answers a Santa Clara County crisis hotline out of her home.
When Vance talks about how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship--in spite of all the obvious reasons to do so--she knows whereof she speaks.
Vance is one of five women in the nation to be honored with the Second Chance Award, presented by Mimi's Cafe. Her recognition included a $1,000 grant from the restaurant chain Since 1998, Mimi's Cafe has honored and provided financial assistance to women who have successfully removed themselves from abusive relationships and are starting anew.
Mimi's Cafe honored Vance, a Sunnyvale resident with the Second Chance Award for surviving and eventually leaving a 23- year abusive marriage.
Inspired by the TV movie, The Burning Bed, Vance said she left her husband after coming to the realization that like the woman in the movie, she too, was a victim of verbal abuse. At the luncheon at Mimi's Cafe in San Jose on June 6, Vance accepted the award, and shared the details of her life.
According to Vance, it is very difficult to spot verbal abuse because it cannot be seen from the outside, and it cannot be reported to the police. "My story is not one of numerous trips to the emergency room, or broken bones," she said. "I can count on one hand how many times I was physically abused. In my opinion, verbal and mental abuse is worse because it stays with you."
She added, "If a man calls his wife stupid, it's not against the law, so he can't get arrested."
Vance said she met her husband while attending San Jose State University. They were engaged when Vance was only 20 years old. Vance describes the beginning of the relationship and marriage as a successful one. After the birth of their two children, she said her husband started working the swing shift for an airline in order to support the family. Vance said under this strain, he became very tired and stressed.
She said the abuse started after the birth of their second son in the form of yelling and hurtful words. "There was a point that I thought I was going crazy, because I couldn't keep up with his rules," Vance said, adding, "Everything was my fault. I couldn't do anything right."
Vance said the invalidation by her husband made her lose all self-confidence. "Even though I had graduated from college, I felt like a nothing, " Vance recalled. However, she said she stayed in the marriage, hoping that things would get better, and had two more children.
But Ted's behavior only got worse, according to Vance. "The abuse increased at a slow rate, so I didn't really realize how bad it had gotten," said Vance. The yelling became constant, and he started throwing her valuables when he got upset. "It became embarrassing to be around anyone," she said.
Then she watched the TV movie that changed her mind and, saved her. At the end of the program Vance called the information line given in the credits. "I realized I was a battered woman. When I walked into the battered women's support group, I felt like I was coming home," said Vance.
Vance tried to leave her husband three times. She first left for weekends at a time, and then once for 3 1/2 years. Vance said she wanted to give him another chance, but realized that she had changed, and he hadn't. Finally, she said she left for good when her children had all left the house.
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Sunnyvale, California Since 1994
