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Latest online trend tests strength
By Mark W. Mayfield
Like many rapidly aging fathers who refuse to become hopelessly obsolete, I depend on my loving children to keep me on the cutting edge of parental coolness, to keep me abreast of cool trends, styles and linguistic expressions that distinguish me from other dads who wouldn't know coolness if it walked up and smacked 'em in their hopelessly obsolete faces.
For example, my 12-year-old son recently preserved my coolness by telling me that cool dads never, ever wear black dress socks with flip-flop sandals in public. And my 16-year-old daughter recently informed me that a truly cool dad would never, ever demonstrate the old "pull-my-finger" gag in front of his daughter's new boyfriend.
My kids are currently teaching me how to participate in a cool trend called instant messaging, which allows computer users with an Internet connection to experience instantaneous keyboard communication with other users, a.k.a. "buddies."
While engaged in Instant Messaging, buddies are permitted to abbreviate certain words to accelerate typing speed. "Why" becomes "y." "You" becomes "u." "Are" becomes "r," and so on. You can also insert cute little cartoon faces into your text to convey emotions. This sentence, "My precious cat, Muffin, was dismembered and eaten by a coyote while I was in the hospital for quadruple bypass surgery," could be followed by a little sad face. And this sentence, "I just won the biggest lottery in history," could be followed by a little happy face.
Like any cool new trend, instant messaging has a few drawbacks. The following session graphically illustrates what can happen when an extremely cool dad (screen name: typicalfather) instantaneously communicates with a real idiot (screen name: realidiot).
typicalfather: Hello, realidiot! How are you on this lovely summer evening? According to your personal profile, you're...
realidiot: y r u so slo? cant u tipe faster dood!!? r u stoopid orsomthin??
typicalfather: There's no need to get snippy, realidiot. Now, as I was saying, according to your personal profile, you're an astronomy buff. Did you read the recent article in Astronomy Weekly about the new theory on the origins of ...
realidiot: do u like pitures of nekked womans? i do!
typicalfather: That's an inappropriate question, Mr. realidiot. In fact, if you'll permit me to be brutally honest, I must say that your behavior is appalling. You're obviously not the polite, intelligent buddy I was expecting. I'm beginning to suspect that you weren't entirely honest when you created your personal profile, which portrayed you as a retired Supreme Court Justice who enjoys classical music, yoga, Jimmy Stewart movies and ...
realidiot: do u hav any teenage dotters who wood like 2 visit my hous trailer?
typicalfather: Shut up!
realidiot: do u think i am bad becuz i like pitures of nekked womans?
typicalfather: yes, realidiot, I believe you are a bad, bad buddy, a vile, disgusting pervert whoshould be banned from instant messaging forever! and by the way, realidiot, if you ever try to contact my teenage daughter I will track you down and humiliate you by forcing you to wear black dress socks and flip-flop snadals in public! (At this point, typicalfather tries to insert a screaming, homicidal little cartoon face with bulging eyeballs, but he can't find one so he types several harsh words that can't be reprinted in this fine newspaper.) now why don't you sign off and go ask your cousin for another date!?? (At this point, typicalfather inserts a cross-eyed cartoon face playing the banjo.)
Despite occasional encounters with real idiots, I encourage all cool dads to participate in instant messaging. Now, if you'll excuse me, a new buddy named "verminguy" wants to instant message with me.
Mark W. Mayfield (typicalfather) welcomes instant messages from honest, well-behaved online buddies.
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Sunnyvale, California Since 1994
