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Silicon Valley and the Single Guy
A terminal case of 'guy glut' has engineers getting technical
By Brian D. Rossman
The latest reports indicate that many young engineers are moving away from the Bay Area because Silicon Valley has become too: (1) overcrowded; (2) expensive; (3) uncultured; (3) whiny; (4) much like L.A.
Each is a valid complaint that needs to be addressed by our elected officials. It is my duty as a journalist, however, to uncover the truth. In this column, you will learn that the real reason the local male citizenry are fleeing our great community is the lack of female companionship.
Over the past month, two tremors, one located north of Bolinas and one originating in a "think tank," shook the foundation of the valley. First, the famed Mustang Ranch, where Silicon Valley lads often traveled across the Nevada border to sow their wild oats, has decided to close its stables forever. Second, according to two recent studies, a single man who lives in Silicon Valley is much more likely to be attacked by aliens, win the lottery or pay under $1.50 a gallon for gas than get married.
The Bay Area suffers from a terminal case of "guy glut." Guy glut exists whenever the ratio of single men to single women is greater in a major metropolitan area. As a testament to our testosterone, Silicon Valley has the greatest guy glut in the continental United States. In Anchorage, Alaska, which ranks first overall, guy glut has reached such proportions that the Council has toyed with changing the city's name to Manchorage.
Although discouraging, the situation is not yet critical in the Bay Area. However, a recent study suggests that it may get worse before it gets better for the valley's technophiliacs. According to Rutgers University, the domestic marriage rate is at its lowest level ever. Considering that news as well as the shortage of local women, who can blame valley men for taking the first light rail out of town? (Note to readers: the light rail does not actually take you out of town, or anywhere other than from Almaden to San Jose, for that matter.) The destination of choice for the engineers has been Washington, D.C., a.k.a. Gal Glut Central, and Austin, Texas, which is Spanish for "land-o'-babes."
But all hope is not lost for Silicon Valley men. By utilizing some skills honed in the technology center of the universe, engineers have begun cloning their gender opposites in research labs up and down the Peninsula. With grant money secured from former bachelor most-eligiBill Gates, these engineers have been augmenting Scottish research into the gene-cloning of sheep. This work, code-named "Hellooooo Dolly" after the first test-tube sheep, has created relationship optimism among the sci-fi set.
You have to hand it to the ingenious techies--when faced with relationship difficulty, they have no trouble squeezing their lemons into lemonade. This Real Science experience leads one engineer to place a new spin on an old adage. He says valley engineers are working out of a "necessity to invent the mother of their children."
The next step is to clone affordable housing. Now that would be a breakthrough.
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Sunnyvale, California Since 1994
