The Sun
Sunnyvale's Newspaper

Holiday Guide

Presents of Mind

A gift guide for the seriously perplexed

By Cherie Parker

The holiday season inspires, in the reverent among us, a deep feeling of connection. In others, this time of year instigates a ritualized activity involving small plastic cards and blinking red Santa eyes. Still others rebel against both the religious icon-ry of the season and the commercial carnage. These three divergent groups of souls have one thing in common: they're all on someone's gift list.

Yes, it's true. Grandma, who screeches, "They're always trying to take the Christ out of Christmas," and the insistent feminist roommate, who believes the immaculate conception legend to be a repudiation of female sexuality, both expect clever, worthwhile gifts.

For everyone drawing a blank, we'd like to help. We can't supply a higher credit limit at Macy's or a better selection of acquaintances, but we can offer a few gift suggestions for those entertaining half-baked, last-minute ideas.

First, let's go over some general ground rules. No current partner should ever be given the same gift as someone who formerly occupied his or her position. New love, new gifts.

Also, if a bond has grown since last year (going steady, engagement, marriage), the gift must reflect the change. For example, if last year, when they were engaged, the husband gave his wife a weekend in Calistoga, he shouldn't give her a sports bra this year. She'll feel as if the car she just drove off the lot only picks up AM radio.

As far as immediate family goes, there are probably so many emotional tripwires exclusive to each family that no outsider can navigate another's holiday.

There are, however, a few basic tenets. Adult offspring ought to give parents expensive presents if they owe them money. A mother should not receive the same present as a girlfriend. No dad should get anything that calls undue attention to his age. And even if the outfit for teenage son or daughter seems to be the height of fashion, keeping the receipt is a must.

The following suggestions are for the less-standard people who turn up on a gift list, the people who have one outstanding characteristic that governs the gifts they will receive.

Want-Tos

These are the people to whom giving a gift should be a joy: friends, family, co-workers who bring cookies to work. The giver wants these people to appreciate the heartfelt warmth that inspired their gifts--not to see them as something to be wrapped up and passed on to someone else next year.

The Workaholic

Most people give the workaholics in their life gifts designed to help them relax: foot massagers, meditation tapes or candles scented with vanilla. What workaholics need to redirect a lifetime's worth of forward motion, the thinking goes, is one consumer item. That's really not very logical, is it? The tai chi video, the aqua mask and the sing-along-with-Enya songbook from last holiday season are surely rotting on a closet shelf by now.

Instead of trying to change clearly entrenched behavior patterns, why not work with them? Working warriors want something that will aid them in their frenzied quest for efficiency. An extra-large briefcase would come in handy. A basket of office supplies (no gift certificates--workaholics don't have time for that) surely be appreciated.

The New Mother

Everyone's been over to see the baby a dozen times in the past month. It's a wonder of nature. But during all this infant worship, has anyone taken the time to notice that the baby's mother has dark, puffy circles? It could be that the miracle of childbirth has left this mother feeling like a crabby, weepy, overworked lump. She could use a little bulwarking, not exercise videos, diet books or Thighmasters.

She knows her body looks a little different after being expanded and deflated--it's not going to cheer her up to get a gift that seems to confirm her worst fears. Instead, she could use something that makes her feel good about herself. She's likely too busy to read a book, and any fancy clothes will probably be spit up on, but there is one thing that would be sure to delight: free baby-sitting.

The Activist

When a truly dedicated activist is asked what he or she wants for the holidays, the response will inevitably be "Nothing." When pressed, the activist may suggest a donation to a cause in which he or she strongly believes. But while the lips say, "Do the right thing," the eyes plead, "Please give me something luxurious that I can't afford on my $12,000 a year stipend. Give me something sexy, like made-in-the-U.S.A. silk pajamas. Or relaxing, like good beer from a union brewery." When it comes to satisfying an activist, the eyes truly are the windows of the soul.

An Old Flame Who's Looking Better

They broke up years ago, but they still know all the same people. The split was amiable. Now both are single again, and it seems somebody's been working out. To make a move in the direction of giving it another try without being caught sending unwanted romantic signals, the re-amorous could send a friendly Christmas card. Inside the card, two tickets to a concert or show could be accompanied by the explanation "I got these free at work, and I don't have anyone to go with." It may be a cheesy ruse, but it provides a sturdy trapdoor to escape any innuendo of an ill-planned advance.

Have-Tos

Holiday shopping for these people is what gave the activity a bad name. No one wants to do it--but that's the price of living in a civilized society.

The Boss' New Trophy Wife

Sure, he looks ridiculous with Katie or Susie or whatever her name is. He's even started wearing tight jeans and a black leather jacket. It's a repellent spectacle. But this is the guy with the power to pry monitor-jockeys out of their cubes and into offices with dimmer switches and high-backed chairs.

A personal or expensive gift would be inappropriate, but it's important to have the patina of store-bought class that will make the boss feel his way of life is affirmed. A minibox of four Godiva chocolates retails at around $5, but the fancy gold box and luxuriant confectionery inside will warm the wife's cockles and ensure a star on the boss' mental A-list.

Secret Santa

The annual Secret Santa fiasco at most offices usually ends up pairing such nonsoulmates as the guy from the mailroom who can smoke without using his hands and the woman from personnel who calls everybody "cowboy." Each employee shudders and wonders, "Who will it be this year? The tech-geek who always leaves a stench when he fixes my computer?"

The problem with the whole Secret Santa concept is this: People find themselves needing to spend no more than $10 on a person they have consciously decided to not say "hi" to in the restroom. They can't, or don't want to, learn enough about this year's victim in time to make the gift a personal statement, so it's trinket time: something small, something cute, something that can sit on a desk. Best bets for Secret Santa success are a cartoon calendar, an attractive coffee mug or a gift certificate to the restaurant where everyone goes for lunch.

The Distant-Relative Problem

The problem when families have holiday blowouts is that people end up having to buy presents for friends of relatives, cousins several times removed or other individuals with whom they would not associate were it not for loose familial bonds. There's the brother's mother-in-law, the third cousin who just got out of the Marines and the recently widowed great aunt who moved in with Grandma.

The giver can't be sure about sizes and doesn't feel confident making any musical choices (Nirvana? Mel Tillis?). There's only one thing that all people have in common: eating. Everyone needs an electric rice steamer. Or if the budget is tight, a really nice knife.

The Person Who Went Overboard Last Year

Maybe it was an imported sweater of Scottish wool. Or maybe it was an airplane ticket to New York. Or a new TV delivered to your door. Whatever the specifics, this person's last gift to you made your Chia Turtle to them look more than a little pathetic.

More than that, it made the supposedly selfless gesture of giving into a display of buying power. It is as if the person said to you, "Ha! Try to top that!" This year, you want to strike first, strike hard and strike final. If outrageous spending isn't an option, let creativity be your revenge. Buy a Barbie. It's the ultimate expression of one-upmanship.