As is our custom, the club will precede today's glowing review with an update on our last featured book, Sugar Blues by William Dufty, a frightening exposé about one of the most addictive, dangerous substances known to man. The response to that glowing review was overwhelming. After reading about the harmful effects of refined sugar, millions of concerned club members almost choked as they forcefully spit out donuts, cookies, candy, etc.

Well, folks, MBC really hates to tell you this, but we still haven't received a generous kickback from Mr. Dufty. Therefore, we must reluctantly reverse our official position on his book. The club now believes that refined sucrose is absolutely the most nutritious, wholesome, beneficial substance in the universe, one that can increase IQ, cure baldness, promote rapid weight loss, erase wrinkles, build muscle, increase height, lower cholesterol, eliminate mortgage payments, and remove those unsightly grease stains from laundry.

Furthermore, the club sincerely believes that if an up-and-coming author were smart, he would consider writing a book titled Refined Sugar: The Secret to Health, Wealth and Immortality. MBC would gladly review such a book in glowing terms—if the up-and-coming author promises to make it worth our trouble. Does the up-and-coming author get our drift? (Wink, wink.)

Now it's time for today's glowing review. (At this point, MBC suddenly realizes that he hasn't read a book since last year, so he frantically stalls as he searches for one to review.) Mark's Book Club has really been, um, eager to, uh, review today's selection, which, um, would be a great Christmas gift for, uh, the book lover in your family. (MBC finally grabs one of his daughter's schoolbooks and begins to review it.) Today's selection is a riveting tome about, um, oops, uh, (MBC suddenly remembers that he flunked chemistry in high school, so he grabs another book. He also remembers that he doesn't know what "tome" means.) Today's featured book is Thesaurus, by a promising young author named Random House, or "Randy," as we like to call him.

MBC's first reaction to this revolutionary book was one of amazement, wonderment and astonishment. We were shocked that somebody didn't think of writing it before now.

Have you ever been stumped when looking for the perfect word for a letter, email, speech, sermon or lecture? Have you ever needed another word for "irresponsible" when delivering a venomous diatribe to your teenager daughter, who again ignored her 11 p.m. curfew, even after you threatened to ground her until her 27th birthday? If so, Randy's incredibly useful, utilitarian, advantageous, helpful, functional, handy book can solve your problem. It includes every cinnamon (a word having the same meaning as another) and every antigen (a word having the opposite meaning as another) in the English language. Compiling them must've been a monumental, enormous, gargantuan, colossal task.

Let's say, for example, that you're writing a nasty anonymous note to your stupid boss, who has never fully appreciated your many talents. So far you're happy with the first draft. You've attacked his character by calling him an "evil little weasel who'd gladly steal his blind, bedridden grandmother's last penny." You've ridiculed his physique by comparing him to an obese, constipated hyena. You've insulted his intelligence by suggesting that a brainless amoeba would beat him in a game of checkers. You've criticized his irritating voice by likening it to the sound of a dying chicken. Now you're ready to end the note with a bang, but you just can't think of an appropriate adjective to put before "scum-licking, bottom-feeding mutant from the deepest bowels of hell." After consulting Thesaurus, you decide that "hideous" is exactly the word you need. Your brilliant masterpiece is complete, thanks to Randy's incredibly useful, utilitarian, advantageous, helpful, beneficial, functional, handy book.

Needless to say, Mark's Book Club wholeheartedly recommends Thesaurus by Mr. Random House, which would be a perfect gift for anybody on your Christmas list. In fact, MBC can honestly say that giving this book to a loved one would be a marvelous, wonderful, magnificent, fabulous gesture.

Mark W. Mayfield is the intelligent, distinguished, gifted founder of MBC. You can reach him at mark.mayfield@attbi.com.