The Sunnyvale Sun

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Giving children the best of both cultures

By Monika de la Porte

Loy Oppus-Moe, a Monta Vista High School parent, recalls a recent trip to Wisconsin to visit her husband's parents as illustrating one of the parenting challenges she sometimes faces with her teenagers. Her father-in-law said he needed someone to mow the lawn.

"For me, it was automatic to expect that one of the kids would do it," she says. "Grandpa said he needs it--you do it!"

To her distress, none of her children saw this as imperative, and her Caucasian husband, Jeff, didn't push it either.

"In the Philippines you wouldn't have a choice. Here you do," she says, laughing ruefully.

For many Asian parents, the differences between the world they grew up in and the world in which they are attempting to bring up their children are considerable and not always easy to manage. They want their children to have what is the best of America, but they also want to pass on to them some part of their cultural heritage.

Oppus-Moe likes that her children are verbal, vocal and independent. She believes they have received this from their American upbringing. But she wishes they could combine that with the unquestioning respect for elders that Asian cultures emphasize.

"I know I tend to be authoritarian. I have a hard time when they talk back and argue. I tend to see it as disrespectful," she says.

Kristi Sackett, a marriage and family therapist and Monta Vista parent explains, "Teenagers are striving to find themselves. A life-long endeavor, this creates the most angst during the teen years. The teenager needs to discover who he or she is separate from parental upbringing, and this can sometimes push the boundaries of familial love and expectation."

On the other hand, Neela Srinivasan, whose daughter is a senior at Lynbrook, points out that in most Asian cultures, there is no equivalent for the Western concept of adolescence.

"There is no indulgence for surging hormones, for the almost adult with the not-quite-mature brain," Srinivasan says. "In fact, the whole self-actualization process is negated by the traditional society that allots a role to every member."

Oppus-Moe feels children raised the American way are much more responsible, for instance--having to do chores around the house and earning their own money--than she was as a child in the Philippines.

"With responsibility comes a measure of independence that we never had because growing up we didn't learn to do anything for ourselves," she says.

At the same time, she worries that things are too easy for her children, growing up in this affluent society.

"In the Philippines," she says, "you didn't throw anything away until it was completely broken. Here you get a new set of toys every Christmas."

Srinivasan echoes that sentiment. She makes it a point to take her daughter back to India often so she can understand what a Third World country, and real poverty, is like.

"We live in such a comfortable cocoon here," she says. "It's easy to forget the problems of the rest of the world."

The roots of identity

For most, language is an essential link between worlds. Ming Ching, whose eldest son is a seventh-grader at Christa McAuliffe Middle School, speaks to her children only in Mandarin. But as soon as he started going to pre-school, Andrew began to prefer English. Although she sent him to Chinese school for four years, he didn't enjoy it and she finally gave up.

"I tell him he's Chinese; he needs to be able to speak the language. But he has no motivation here," she says.

Ching feels she has not been effective in handing down Chinese traditions to her children.

"There's a part of me that wishes I could keep a few traditions going. But it feels like a lot of hard work to get excited about something when there's no real feeling behind it," she says.

Instead, she sometimes celebrates Indian festivals with her Indian friends, enjoying the clothes, food and dancing.

In the end, she feels, "My children are a little less Chinese and a little more American every year. It makes me a little sad, but this is their home. In a way, it can never be mine."

Srinivasan and her husband differ in how important it is to nurture heritage in their daughter.

"I encourage her to pick and choose, to question things that don't make sense to her. For me it's just as important to recognize India's current problems as it is to recognize the wealth of India's culture and her past," she says.

"The way I see it, roots are a very personal thing that you develop as you grow. They're not something that can be thrust upon you."

Srinivasan, who hopes her daughter will grow up to be a global citizen, loves that this country offers first-hand exposure to so many different cultures. Still, living in this area, she also recognizes that ensuring a sufficient diversity of influences in her daughter's life can be a challenge.

"One problem, when you develop a critical mass in a certain culture, is you tend to form your own groups," she says. "So in the Bay Area you only get a peripheral exposure to other cultures. Whereas if you lived in a small town, and you had a Hispanic neighbor, you'd get a much deeper understanding of their culture."

Occasionally people point out that that critical mass has led to a segregation of sorts at the schools--where it is easy to find students congregating along racial lines during mealtime.

Oppus-Moe understands how easy it could be to misinterpret a group's purpose when viewed from the outside.

"I don't think there's anything exclusive about it. It's really just a comfort thing. It's like coming back to your family, where you can be who you are, speak your language and just be silly," she says.

But being a part of that critical mass can also leave students less than prepared for living in a different kind of demographic. Oppus-Moe says that a friend's daughter, in college in Boston, is struggling with an environment where she finds herself in a minority for the first time. It's lonely.

"There is a shock when you move out of this community and find out, 'I'm so different and not everyone is as accepting as they were back home,' " Oppus-Moe says.

Back to school

Oppus-Moe credits being involved with her children's education and their schools with exposing her to useful new concepts and perspectives in parenting. It has also been of enormous benefit to her children, both socially and academically.

Her husband is a crusader for increasing immigrant parent involvement in the schools. A long-time president of AAPA (Asian American Parents' Association), he knows that for people coming from Asian cultures, it is not automatic to volunteer to help at schools. For one thing, Asians tend to put schools and administrators on a pedestal and see no place for themselves in the education process. But even when persuaded that parents have a role to play, they tend to shy away easily after initial exposure to the tight-knit cadre of current volunteers.

AAPA tries to forge personal connections, and helps superintendents and school administrators see the value of reaching out.

Schools are definitely a different proposition in this country than they are in most Asian countries. Lynbrook parent William Sheih reminisces about his son's early days in the school.

"He would tell me about rallies where they played tug-of-war and had spelling competitions with teachers. The staff and students obviously enjoy each other and have fun together. It's so different from what school meant to us growing up," he says.

Ching recalls feeling stumped when she dropped her children off at a Chinese day camp in Cupertino last summer.

"The instructor yelled, 'Attention,' and the kids just stopped whatever they were doing and snapped to attention," she says.

Ching, who has unpleasant memories of being made to stand at attention for hours in the sun at school assemblies in Taiwan, couldn't believe that her children actually thought it was fun.

"I guess it's so different at McAuliffe," she says. "No one ever asks them to even stand up or sit down. This was something new."

Among other things parents most appreciate about American schools are the emphasis on understanding over rote learning, the hands-on, project-based approach and the respect accorded different learning styles.

Hopes and fears

Ching knows that Asian parents are often seen as academically "pushy" and not appreciating extracurricular activities enough. But pushing her son to finish his homework, or to put a little more effort into an assignment, makes more sense to her than the pushiness she sees other parents show in their children's sports, or the pressure that some parents put on children to date, when they aren't quite ready to.

Srinivasan explains the importance accorded education in Hindu tradition.

"This is a stage in life devoted to studies and preparation for becoming a contributing member of society," she says. "In the olden days that meant leaving your family and living with your 'guru' or teacher--cutting yourself off from friends and the distractions of socialization."

Although she appreciates the value of extracurricular activities, she does sometimes worry that her daughter takes on too much to be able to handle comfortably.

Acknowledging that Asian cultures tend to feel college is important, Oppus-Moe points out that new immigrants will always see financial security as a first imperative.

"My own attitude toward college is still evolving," she says.

A recent visit with a friend of her husband's who went to trade school rather than college, and is now doing very well, made her rethink her children's options.

"The big difference is that, unlike in Asian countries, there is a dignity attached to every job here. Nothing is looked down upon. It's a much more classless society than the ones we grew up in," she says.

Still, her daughter complains that she has to work really hard to be an average student at Monta Vista.

"It's true," Oppus-Moe says. "You stick out if you're not a good student. But the fact is this is a very comfortable, affluent society of very well educated families with high-paying jobs. We want our children to have that as well. I don't see that as being a particularly Asian trait."

For Srinivasan, ultimately these are concerns that parents of all cultures share. And for immigrant families, for whom friends take on the role of the extended family, it is a big plus to be living in an area where she knows all her friends, no matter their racial origin, have similar values and hopes and fears for their children.