The Willow Glen Resident

Point of View

Deborah Taylor-Hollis

Barbecue argument reeks of false pretense

Oooh, I love it. I'm reading The Resident, and there's this letter about the outdoor barbecues and how they annoy some pedestrians with their outdoor smoke. The barbecues in question are not, however, residential dinners going up in charcoal. They are retail ones, drawing crowds into the business district with the smells of tender pork, roasted beef and chicken that can melt in your mouth.

I'm thinking, "Well, here's another voice demanding that the majority do away with something fun and unique just because a few people walking around the world do not want anything they don't like to assail their nostrils." I was thinking that ... until the letter turned into a diatribe against eating meat!

It's amazing just how many complaints people will make to push their own agenda. If a person doesn't like smoke for the smoke's sake, fine, let's talk about that. And I have more than once argued for both sides of the meat/veggie issue. We just need to make these arguments on their own merits.

I do have a problem with whiners and the outdoor-smoking issue on all fronts. It stems from that "intolerance" thing I've spoken of before--and will bring up again. It's about getting along in the larger group and focusing less on the constant state of your own personal needs. It's also got to do with some common-sense questions about outdoor air. Just what do we have to do to please everyone out there? Let's see...

First, we have to make cigarettes, cigars and any lit item illegal, including candles, incense and potpourri warmers. I'm sure I can find people who will swear that their health has been seriously jeopardized by the tapers on the table at Thanksgiving. We next outlaw all the barbecues, private and public. The smoke coming from them can't be controlled, so they have to go. Chimneys, too: no more warm winter fires sending "that smell" out into the crisp, white winter air; no more marshmallows burnt to jet-black; no more stockings to hang up with care.

Are we there yet? No way! Air zealots will decide they don't like perfumes and body fragrances, so all that stuff will have to be banned--from the after-shave to the hair spray, including the hair colorants that have ammonia odors. It might offend someone if you smell like anything at all when they are near you, so everything should go.

Now, however, we get to the real crux of the matter. We are going to have to cut down every fruit and nut tree, every blooming tree, every orchard, vegetable garden, flower patch and thatch of grass in the valley. They cause pollen, a big formidable health risk that is doing more damage every day than all the cigarettes we have in America and sending more people to the VMC emergency ward on any given day than any other cause during high pollen-count days.

Yeah, when you start looking at the biggest health risk in the valley, it isn't that odd barbecue out on Lincoln wafting at a few folks from time to time; it's the deadly and constant attack on their sinuses and respiratory system that mother nature assaults them with eight months out of the year.

Of course, by the time we are paving everything over (dirt causes huge breathing problems) the cars will all be long gone, and the Rose Police will have to travel to your door on bicycles. Most of the industry in the valley will be gone, too, since everyone on the planet is allergic to the deadly arsenic, poisonous gases, dangerous liquids and radiated compounds used throughout our electronics industry. They are not as "clean" as you'd like to think; you just can't see any smoke billowing out of the plants because it's all in lethal odorless, colorless forms.

Then we have to get rid of the people. I don't know about you, but being trapped in an elevator with one person having a gastrointestinal moment (yes, I'm talking the silent bomb here) is enough to make me sick for days. People have sued (and won!) over less disgusting public behavior. But it's one of those things you can't always control, so we have to stay away from each other--far away, I hope. Also, I don't think we should rule out bad breath (makes some people really unhappy) and of course visual assaults on our senses.

So that's about the size of the problem. First it's the barbecues, and next we're all wearing big plastic suits and breathing out of and into tanks. I just don't see how we can make everyone happy if they all insist on standing their ground: We don't have that much ground to go around. If you don't like meat, then tell us: Don't complain about the smoke. And by all means, don't go deliberately walking past La Villa on Saturdays. Those of us who love their barbecue wouldn't think of sharing any with you, anyway. But you may like their desserts--just desserts, that is.

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