The Willow Glen Resident

Lovers' planets get realigned at WG workshops for couples

'Mars-Venus' seminar to be held March 15

By Christine M. Lias

In an age where half of all marriages end in divorce, something's working for Carol and Darrell Urbanski.

The couple has been married for 10 years and together for almost two decades. Last month, the two attended a "Mars-Venus" workshop to--as Carol Urbanski puts it--strengthen the marriage.

Did the seminar work?

"Afterward, my husband was eager to tell his male friends at the office what he had learned about women," Urbanski laughs. "I think it's really enhanced our relationship. ...We're still practicing what we learned a month ago."

The couple is just one of many duos who have been caught up in the "Mars-Venus" fascination that is sweeping the nation.

The workshop is loosely based on the national bestseller Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus, written by couples therapist John Gray. Gray has also written several other books that expand on the Mars-Venus theme. In addition, he has created dozens of Mars-Venus workshops that seek to help couples learn the differences between men and women.

Willow Glen boasts its own such workshop, one of two in San Jose, at the Alliance Counseling Center at 1040 Lincoln Ave. Every few months, the center hosts a Mars-Venus seminar conducted by Joy Goncalvas and her husband Ron, both of whom were trained by Gray. The next one begins March 15.

Goncalvas tries to keep the mood light during the workshops. An opening breakfast is served, then the men are paired off with women--not the ones they came with, however. Videos and discussions focus on four issues: the differences between men and women, scoring points with the opposite sex, how to deal with the past and the secrets of keeping passion alive.

"Society's changing," Goncalvas said, commenting on divorce rates. "In the last decade, we've gone from the '50s stable family to people starting to think of themselves. Not to say that that's a bad thing, but relationships aren't seen as a commitment anymore."

Goncalvas herself has experienced a failed marriage. Her current marriage is the second for both her and her husband. They have been married for 15 years and have dedicated themselves to helping other couples understand their relationships.

Not only couples come to the seminars, though. Aleta Cooper, a 48-year-old Los Altos woman who has been divorced for 10 years, attended last month's session for reasons other than relationship therapy.

"I wanted to improve my communication skills," Cooper said. "I also wanted to learn how to relate, how to deal with situations for when that right guy comes along."

She said the aspect of the seminar that appealed most to her was a certain letter-writing exercise. Every person had to write a "feeling letter," addressed to a special person such as a parent or lover.

The letter was to touch upon feelings of anger or abandonment that the person had experienced as a result of the parent or lover. Then the person wrote a supposed response.

"We could write what we wanted to hear. I've written a few forgiveness-type letters but none that I would get back as well," Cooper said. "It was very healing, revealing. You gained a great sense of empowerment."

Cooper hopes to facilitate sessions in the future, perhaps helping Goncalvas and her husband in Willow Glen.

The March 15 Mars-Venus seminar costs $69 per person. Call the Alliance Counseling Center at 800-808-4884 for more information.

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