Simpler Time: Phone manners used to be a little easier to observe when calling someone who was on the phone resulted in a simple busy signal--not an awkward hangup or apology.




Photograph courtesy of Cookie Curci-Wright







Remember When

Manners don't always keep up with advances in technology

Cell phones and call waiting bring new ways to be rude

by Cookie Curci-Wright

Today, technology brings American consumers new and better conveniences. And with these innovations, old standards, rituals and courtesies have begun to fade--in particular, good phone manners. This may be because today's young adults were repelled by the strict rules of etiquette their mothers and grandmothers adhered to when they were growing up.

The "white glove syndrome" instilled in them a rebellion against old-fashioned, staunch rules and regulations. Understandably, the modern generation believes in teaching more important values to their children, such as self-reliance and good character.

Though this philosophy is admirable, I can't help but worry that the new generation may forfeit the fundamental basics of good manners and etiquette.

There's no doubt that many of us are guilty of bad manners once in awhile.

Cell phones and the ensuing mobility they give us may be responsible for a large part of this lapse in manners.

The mobile phone inspires us to engage in public telephone conversations with friends and colleagues any time, any place, anywhere.

Oblivious to people around us, we carry on "private" conversations while squeezing tomatoes at the grocery store, trying on a dress at the shopping mall, or, worst of all, sitting in our doctor's waiting room.

Bystanders aren't interested in hearing long-winded conversations between cell phone users and their baby sitters, stock brokers or friends.

And no one wants to hear you howling at the kids for five minutes, or exchanging recipes with your Aunt Martha, or discussing your stock options while in line at the supermarket.

The cacophony of cell phones beeping and ringing in public places has become a familiar sound. I salute the technology that allows the human voice to travel across town or around the world, but scientific aspects aside, let's all try to use this grand invention with a little more grace and good manners.

Recently, I invited an old friend of mine over for tea. I hadn't seen her in a long time so I was anxious for her arrival. Upon hearing her car door slam, I sprang to my feet and flung open my front door.

But instead of a friendly hug, I was given a dispassionate nod, and I had to wait while she continued to finish up a conversation on her cell phone.

My friend continued her robust dialog a good five minutes before finally removing the uninvited, cell ular intruder from her ear. I realize that my friend is a busy career woman, and business must be conducted regularly on her cell phone. But it's just plain good manners to finish her phone conversations while in her car and turn off her cell phone long enough to greet me properly.

When doing my banking, I'm always frustrated when a teller interrupts my service to answer the phone. Perhaps I'm wrong, but the person who got all dressed up and drove her car several miles to go to the bank should be given precedence over phone customers.

Then there's "call waiting," a function that ranks high on my list of offending habits.

"Call interrupted" is probably a better appellation for this service. I can't imagine anything more aggravating than to be right in the middle of a profound statement--just about to make a point--and the person on the other end of the line stops me cold with: "Hold on, I've got another call."

Whenever I have to hold while someone answers their call-waiting, I can't help feeling that they are making a decision as to which conversation to terminate--mine or the new caller's. So, inevitably, one caller will always feel slighted. As for me, I'd rather just get an old-fashioned busy signal.

Recently, when I phoned someone at an inconvenient time, my friend answered the phone in grudging monosyllables, hoping her obvious annoyance would cut the conversation short.

It worked, but I doubt I'll be calling her back anytime soon. It would have been much nicer had she simply asked me to call back at a better time.

No one wants to be exposed to a telephone bore. But there are times when many of us monopolize a phone conversation, launching into endless accounts about ourselves, our lives, our activities, and our family. But we should not forget to give the other person a chance, too.

I learned many years ago from my grandmother about the value of being a good listener, but there is also a responsibility to be a good conversationalist.

If someone tosses you the conversation with "Have you played any golf lately?" Do you drop it with an unimaginative "No"? Or do you toss it back with a friendly " Not yet, I hope to real soon, by the way how's your game?"

On the other hand, some callers can be too friendly.

I welcome social telephone calls, but I'm continually amazed at the lack of propriety among some callers. With casual aplomb they confide their most intimate personal secrets.

The other day, a new acquaintance phoned to tell me she had two face lifts, two nose jobs and a tummy tuck.

She also told me she had a great time on her tropical vacation. "It would have been better," she added, "If I hadn't been caught shoplifting!" I was no more interested in her criminal record then I was in hearing about her second rhinoplasty.

In the name of open communication, we have become a kiss and tell society. A casual acquaintance confided to me on the phone that her husband likes to wear red silk boxer shorts with little green mermaids printed on them. When I finally met her husband, he was wearing a somber black three-piece suit, Ben Franklin glasses and a bow-tie.

I was just trying to keep a straight face.

Just as a kiss means more when proceeded by courtship, swapping secrets on the telephone has more meaning when it follows friendship.

Too often, we reserve our good manners for special occasions only, when we should be employing these traits every day of our lives.

Nothing can ruin my day quicker than a store clerk, bank teller or receptionist with a sour phone personality. "Smile when you say that" is a tonic all of us could do well to take. Cheerfulness is a charming manifestation and extension of good manners.

Today's new technology, ideas and innovations bring with them a need for a whole new set of rituals, customs and, above all else, good manners. Today, the curtsy may be out of date and white gloves are no longer worn for Sunday visits, but telephone courtesy, to one and all, are the small steps toward building a good character.

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Contact Cookie Curci-Wright at cookie-wright@mymailstation.com.

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