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PG&E won't like these hot new laws
By Mark Mayfield
Since the beginning of time, summer has been synonymous with miserable gardening conditions, sweltering workplaces, unreliable air-conditioner repairmen, and sweaty, short-tempered columnists. But that's about to change. As California prepares for summer's blistering assault, I propose sweeping new legislation to create a society where every citizen can freely exercise his God-given right to enjoy efficient, dependable air conditioning; a society where greedy, cowardly perpetrators of rolling blackouts are severely punished by angry residents; a society where sweat-related body odor is confined to locker rooms, health clubs and my son's gym bag, where it belongs. Here are the details of my revolutionary proposal:
Section 1:
Whenever the temperature exceeds 98 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 36.67 degrees Cellulite), homeowners will be allowed to operate loud, gas-powered yard tools, including leaf blowers, lawn mowers, chain saws and weed whackers, during the coolest portion of the day, which typically occurs between midnight and 5 a.m.
They will also be allowed to engage in activities that usually accompany the use of such equipment, i.e., yelling at the aforementioned weed whacker, because the WORTHLESS PIECE OF JUNK WILL NOT RUN, EVEN AFTER YOU REPLACE THE STUPID SPARK PLUG, CLEAN THE STUPID AIR FILTER, FILL THE STUPID GAS TANK AND PULL THE STUPID STARTING CORD 628 TIMES!!
Whereas, thereby, moreover, notwithstanding, herewith, heretofore and furthermore, one of the aforementioned homeowners will NOT be punished for waking neighbors by screaming terrible insults at his dumb dog, Mabel, who just pooped on the freshly mowed back lawn.
If, however, the terrible insults become vile obscenities, the offender must immediately send a formal letter of apology to his neighbors, his family, his fourth-grade Sunday school teacher and, of course, the aforementioned dog, Mabel, who was just doing what comes naturally.
Section 2, Row 5, Seat 13
Whenever the temperature exceeds 100 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 37.78 degrees Celibate), certain questions and comments will be forbidden. Any citizen who approaches another citizen and asks, "Is it hot enough for you?" will be sentenced to a mandatory prison term of 957 years in solitary confinement, without the possibility of parole, without the possibility of ice tea and without the possibility of an oscillating fan. If the convict is still alive in 2957, he will automatically receive another 957-year sentence, and this time, he won't get any food.
Any citizen who says "At least it's a DRY heat" will be sentenced to 25 consecutive summers of community service work that will consist of pulling weeds from cracks in busy asphalt highways, while wearing bulky down-filled ski apparel. The offender will also be blindfolded. And after he pulls a weed, he'll have to eat it. And then he'll have to drink a gallon of Tabasco sauce. Through his nose.
Provisional provolone 3:
Whenever the temperature exceeds 102 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 38.89 degrees Census), air-conditioner repairmen must respond to all service calls within two minutes. If they're more than one minute late, the repair job, including parts, will be completely free. If they're more than five minutes late, they must pay off the customer's mortgage.
Anterior article 4
Whenever the temperature exceeds 104 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 40 degrees Centavos), most outdoor AND indoor labor will be canceled. Workers will then be permitted to relax in the nearest air-conditioned restaurant, which will serve free frosty beverages and light summertime appetizers until the outside temperature drops to a tolerable level (22.22 degrees Centrifuge would be nice). This law does not pertain to air-conditioner repairmen, who have more important things to do than lounging around in cool restaurants.
Restaurant employees are also out of luck.
Chapter 15, verse 28
If rolling blackouts occur when the temperature exceeds 106 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 41.11 degrees Centipede), affected customers will be allowed to call high-ranking PG&E officials at home and sarcastically ask, "Is YOUR electricity off, Mr. PG&E Big Shot?!" If the answer is "no," the caller will receive a coupon worth 48 months of complimentary electricity.
The high-ranking PG&E official must also wash and wax the caller's car every week for two years.
Despite numerous threats from angry PG&E officials, burly air-conditioner repairmen and vindictive restaurant owners, Mark Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) bravely vows to continue his crusade until every man, woman and child in California is cool and comfortable.
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Willow Glen, California Since 1992
