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My rantings are harmless, really!
By Mark W. Mayfield
Dear Precious Friends at the DMV, Thank you very much for your polite reminder regarding my vehicle registration renewal. I'm deeply touched by your thoughtfulness and concern. In today's fast-paced, dog-eat-dog world, where indifference and incivility reign, it's nice to know that some people still care about their fellow man, and that some people still think dogs shouldn't eat other dogs.
Heck, if you ask me, DMV should stand for Distinguished Moral Values, because that's exactly what you nice folks demonstrate.
Oh, sure, I know we've had our differences through the years, but even best friends have an occasional tiff, right? Hey, remember when I demanded a new picture on my driver's license because that impatient little brunette snapped the photo before I was ready, making me look like a wild-eyed psychopath with electrified hair? Or what about the time you were angry because I didn't want to pay full registration fees for my 1963 Volkswagen, which I drove only during daylight hours because the headlights didn't work?
And I'll never forget when I called you those terrible names, after you accused me of not renewing my 1984 vehicle registration. And then, right after I angrily told you that DMV probably stands for Deceiving Many Victims, I discovered that the registration envelope was still on my desk, hiding under a pile of Pay Day wrappers. Silly me! I hadn't even mailed it! HA-HA-HA! Isn't it fun to reminisce about those crazy, kooky days?
Thank you for always forgiving my juvenile behavior with your DMV (Distinctly Magnificent Virtues).
Anyway, I know that you kindhearted, understanding people are very busy, so I'll get to my point. I just wanted to let you know that I've decided to pass on this year's smog test. I don't mean "pass" as in "I'm confident that my old pickup truck will PASS the test." I mean "pass" as in "I think I should just PASS up this particular opportunity to have my truck's emissions measured."
Don't get me wrong; I really appreciate your interest. In fact, the other day, I said to my wife, "Wife," I said, "I'm sure glad those nice folks at the Department of Motor Vehicles are so interested in us. If you ask me, DMV should stand for Darn Marvelous Venison." (OK, I know that one doesn't make much sense, but I'm running out of good "V" words.) Geez, I'm babbling again, aren't I? Sometimes I think my initials, M.M., should stand for Motor Mouth! Get it? M.M.?
Motor Mouth? HA-HA! That's pretty funny, huh?
As I was saying, whenever I start my truck, it belches lots of thick, colorful smoke, which causes nearby people to cough and cuss. I really don't understand all the fuss. After all, my ol' pickup truck has traveled over 200,000 miles, so spewing a few noxious emissions is completely understandable, right? Heck, my 90-year-old neighbor occasionally spews noxious fumes, but he's still a useful, productive member of society.
Well, I know that you hardworking folks need to get back to helping other motorists with their own vehicular issues, so I'll finish my point: I believe that this little smoke/fume quirk may adversely affect the results of that silly smog test, thereby causing you wonderful saints at the DMV (Defenders of Motherly Vermin) to needlessly worry about my vehicle and me.
Let me assure you that we'll be fine. Besides, after the engine runs for an hour or two, some of the smoke clears up, and I can finally see the cars behind me. Yep, we'll just keep chugging along the highway of life together, two happy, aging, belching companions who absolutely adore you terrific public servants at the DMV (Drinkers of Much Vodka).
Oh, by the way, please send me a new little sticker for my license plate. Those wacky, fun-loving CHP officers like to razz me because mine has expired. Thanks, again, for the nice note. I'm already looking forward to your next polite reminder.
Signed,
A very appreciative motorist who knows that you will kindly DMV (Disregard My Violation).
Mark W. Mayfield (himark@firstworld.net) hopes that DMV doesn't really stand for Devotees of Murderous Vengeance.
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Willow Glen, California Since 1992
