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World-class humorist saves the world
By Mark Mayfield
Announcer 1: Welcome to the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney, Australia, where we're about to watch one of the most popular Olympic events: Freestyle Humor Writing. The first competitor is a washed-up freelancer from the United States, Mark Mayfield, who has virtually no chance of winning a medal. Dan, why are we wasting valuable television time on this guy when we could be watching a swimming event featuring scantily clad women with muscular torsos?
Announcer 2: Beats me, Dirk. Mayfield himself readily acknowledges the hopelessness of his situation. After all, he'll be competing against some of the cleverest writers in the world, including the young German prodigy, Wolfgang Wienerschnitzel, a.k.a. Der Laughmeister, and the brilliant Russian satirist, Ivan Krivorotov, who hasn't appeared in the Summer Games since that fateful day in 1988, when he tested positive for an illegal humor-enhancing drug. Mayfield should just relax, have a little fun, and savor his 15 minutes of fame, because after today, he'll be another forgotten loser from nowhere. He's approaching his battered laptop to start his column. Let's watch.
Announcer 1: He starts with an unimaginative gag about the presidential candidates and follows it with a predictable simile about congressmen and weasels. Dan, this stuff might be OK for a college newspaper, but it's definitely not gold-medal humor.
Announcer 2: You're exactly right, Dirk, and that's why Mayfield's many critics say he doesn't belong in Olympic competition.
Announcer 1: Wow! Mayfield successfully executed two good-natured insults and a volley of nonoffensive innuendos. Dan, that's not a bad sequence for somebody who reportedly hones his comedic skills by watching Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith Show.
Announcer 2: "Good-natured" and "nonoffensive" are key words here, Dirk, because in this age of political correctness, judges won't tolerate a single mean-spirited insult, cruel innuendo, or insensitive stereotype. All competitors must ridicule, lampoon, mock and satirize within the bounds of international propriety.
Announcer 1: Look at that! Mayfield just bungled a simple pun-on-pun combination! I've never seen such a rookie mistake in an Olympic contest! Wienerschnitzel and Krivorotov are actually wincing at this pitiful display of incompetence. Mayfield is an embarrassment to his family, his community, his country and to the human race. If he wants to avoid complete humiliation, he should quit now and go home.
Announcer 2: I wholeheartedly agree, Dirk. Only a miracle could salvage this horrendous performance. In fact, ... wait a second! Something's happening! Mayfield's typing speed suddenly tripled. His usual facial expression of confusion has been replaced by one of supernatural determination and purpose. Oh my goodness! I don't believe it! If I weren't a typical Olympic announcer who loves hearing my own excited voice, I'd be speechless! After a flawless pun fake, Mayfield deftly performed the most complex series of humor-writing maneuvers I've ever seen: a stunning TRIPLE double entendre, an amazingly absurd REVERSE 10-word alliteration, a perfect pair of INVERTED malapropisms AND an unbelievably wacky warning about the dangers of wearing vinyl underwear on a water slide! He's incredible!
Announcer 1: (breathlessly) This packed stadium is literally rocking with the thunderous sounds of uncontrollable jubilation! Political, ethnic and religious differences are melting away as the diverse crowd basks in the warm, healing afterglow of Mayfield's hilarious closing paragraph! Mistrust and hatred are disappearing! Everybody is laughing--TOGETHER! Israelis, Palestinians, North Koreans, South Koreans, Iraqis, Iranians, liberals, conservatives! Even Mayfield's vanquished rival, Der Laughmeister, is laughing! Former enemies are embracing each other, casting aside ancient animosities, forging new friendships, sharing military secrets, signing trade agreements and exchanging chili recipes. With a few historic keystrokes, one man has single-handedly captured a prize that is infinitely more valuable than a mere gold medal, a prize that has eluded generations of politicians, preachers and pundits. The prize is world peace and the man is a humble, soft-spoken phenomenon from the greatest nation on earth!
And now, as our weeping hero proudly waves the American flag to his legions of new followers, we bid you farewell from Sydney, Australia, birthplace of a perfect world.
Mark Mayfield (itsmark@sirius.com) produced this delusional discourse shortly before doctors discovered dangerously high levels of Olympic hype in his brain's column-writing sector. We're very worried about him.
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Willow Glen, California Since 1992
