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A new news publication targets busy Americans
By Mark W. Mayfield
In today's hectic, fast-paced world, many Americans are too busy to read a newspaper every day. Unfortunately, an uninformed populace faces many dangers, including the inability to understand fancy words like "populace."
What America needs is a complete review of current events that can be read in less time than it takes to eat a Pop Tart. That's where I come in. After much consideration, contemplation and consultation, I made two important decisions:
1. I decided that if you use "consideration," "contemplation" and "consultation" in the same sentence, they sound really, really cool.
2. I decided to launch Mark's News Review, a concise compilation of recent news items, some of which will be accompanied by my insightful analysis.
Mark's News Review will usually feature news stories from several previous weeks, but since I didn't start considering, contemplating and consulting until 10 minutes ago, this first installment will feature only the top news stories from several old papers I found under the couch. Remember, these are actual news stories. Honest.
Albuquerque, New Mexico: A man who works near a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop said he was on a break when a police helicopter circled and landed in a nearby field. As the helicopter idled, somebody got out and went into the store, returning 10 or 15 minutes later with a Krispy Kreme box, he said.
(Here's the part where I provide my insightful analysis.) Everybody's heard jokes about cops and doughnuts, but this incident takes the cake (or perhaps I should say, "takes the doughnut").
A spokesman for the Albuquerque police department said, "If [the helicopter crew] violated policy or procedure, they're going to get disciplined for it."
Well, Mr. Spokesman, the research department of Mark's News Review obtained a copy of the Police Rule Book for Hungry Helicopter Pilots, and section 4, paragraph 15, plainly states, "Never, ever, ever land your helicopter in a dirt field by a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop in Albuquerque."
San Francisco, California: Thousands of fans at Pac Bell Park cheered wildly as Giants slugger Barry Bonds hit his 71st homerun of the season, breaking Mark McGwire's record. Police in Albuquerque celebrated Bonds' amazing achievement by landing the helicopter and buying more doughnuts.
Mark Mayfield's Home: According to an unnamed source in the kitchen, a shaky truce disintegrated this morning when a high-ranking wife approached her high-ranking husband and said, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: Don't forget to turn off the coffeemaker!" A spokesman for the high-ranking husband said, "If [Mark] violated policy or procedure, he's going to get disciplined for it."
The conflict escalated later in the day, when the high-ranking wife didn't buy the high-ranking husband's favorite brand of frosted animal cookies with sprinkles during her trip to a local supermarket.
"She knows I can't enjoy watching TV unless I have a bag of my special cookies!," said the high-ranking husband angrily. "She did this to get even with me for the coffeemaker incident!"
The high-ranking wife dismissed the accusation with a sinister chuckle. "That's ridiculous." she said. "I just forgot his stupid cookies. "But," she added ominously, "if he doesn't start turning off the coffeemaker, I'll 'forget' those cookies more often."
San Francisco, California: Giants slugger Barry Bonds hit his 72nd home run of the season, breaking his own record of 71. Thousands of baseball fans across the country cheered wildly as they watched the replay on television. Unfortunately, one fan was unable to fully enjoy the historic moment because his high-ranking wife "forgot" to buy his favorite brand of frosted animal cookies with sprinkles.
That concludes the premier installment of Mark's News Review. Now you can meet the day with confidence and smugness, knowing that you are among the most informed Americans in the country.
When questioned by suspicious editors, Mark W. Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) reluctantly admitted that the story about the coffeemaker didn't really appear in a newspaper.
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Willow Glen, California Since 1992
