Photograph by Jacqueline Ramseyer
Group Grieving: Genevieve George, left, and Elizabeth Curto prepare to bring out the dishes brought to the San Jose Metro Widows and Widowers Association's monthly potluck dinner at the Calvin Presbyterian Church on Meridian Avenue.
Widow and widower club members are mostly women, except on potluck night
Breakfasts, outings and game nights help members grieve mates
By Suzanne Barnecut
Contrary to what it might seem, the San Jose Metro Widow and Widowers Association has more to do with laughter than tears, even though it centers around one of the hardest parts of anyone's life--losing one's spouse. The association is a local support group for people who have been widowed and need help adjusting to being alone.
The organization dates back to 1976, when it was founded at El Camino Hospital in Mountain View. They now are a self-run, self--help group that has grown to include more than 100 members. Members meet every Thursday at the Calvin Presbyterian Church, at Meridian and Fruitdale avenues in Campbell, at 7 p.m. It welcomes any man or woman who has lost a spouse through death. In large part this is, and has been, a primarily social organization.
"I've made some good friends," charter member Juaneva Martin said. "Friends at any age are important, but especially as you get older and are without a spouse." Martin has been a member of the association for 22 years.
Though the group has grown into a wide circle of friends, the first order of business was planning on a recent Thursday evening. A small gathering of approximately 20 members sat facing each other in a square of chairs and tables. For many members, it is difficult to get out at night and they must pick and choose their events. On this particular Thursday, a brief planning session yielded a full calendar of activities for the month of November, including weekly breakfasts, game nights and potlucks.
Publicity officer Elizabeth Curto, a member of three years, laughed, "We get a lot of men on the potluck nights because they don't get much home cooking anymore."
Another activity that draws the men, who are a scarcity on Thursday evening, are the weekly breakfasts at Coco's Restaurant on Hamilton Avenue at 9 a.m., according to the association's president, Patricia Hanson. The breakfasts draw about 20 members on any given week.
Association members have a median age of about 75, and range in age from 49 to 92. At no time is a member required to disclose his or her age. The group is 85 to 90 percent women.
There are other groups for widows and widowers, most notably the Mid-Peninsula chapter in Los Altos, which boasts a membership of nearly 300. They are known to be a younger crowd, offering greater potential to meet someone new.
It is not a secret, nor a fact treaded lightly upon, that the SJMWW Association is dwindling in number.
"Everybody is getting old," Martin said frankly. "If we don't get younger people in, we're going to collapse. We hope to get new blood in to keep it going."
It is for lack of need that the San Jose group has not offered support for the newly-widowed in about four months. Even before that their "Friendship Circle" was primarily comprised of long-standing members. In an effort to reach out to younger members and the newly widowed, the group will again offer support the second Thursday of every month in the form of a discussion group. Members have attended seminars and councils on grieving, and are also familiar with the literature provided by the American Association of Retired People (available at www.aarp.org).
"We really don't provide counseling," Hanson explained, "but when you become a widow there are many things you have to do."
The association is now working on a checklist that includes contacting Social Security, insurance companies, and where to obtain and send death certificates.
"These are all things we can furnish to someone newly widowed," Hanson said. "A lot of the older women don't know how to write a check. They depended on their husbands and they are just lost."
Another service the group provides, though not to widowers, is their annual donation of handmade blankets to Valley Medical Center. Blankets used to go to Oakland's Highland Hospital and over the years they have made between 1,000 and 2,000 blankets. This is a large endeavor each year, in spite of all their other social activities, as they begin by collecting donations, buy fabrics on sale, gather a sewing group to cut and piece the material and then take the pieces home to sew. Each woman brings a blanket back to be delivered in one bulk load to the hospital for young mothers and people "down on their luck."
It is this give-and-take that not only keeps a person busy, but also allows for a certain distraction that Hanson finds helpful to the healing process. After only one year of membership, Hanson assumed the role of president. She tries to attend as many functions as possible, and also to drive the members who are no longer able.
"It has kept me very busy," Hanson said, "but that in itself--the distraction--has helped me through my grieving process."
Hanson was widowed just over three years ago and heard about the association while playing bridge at the Campbell Senior Center on Monday afternoons. One reason she rose to the presidency is because of her previous managerial experience in human resources at Lockheed Martin.
The main draw, however, remains the companionship. "You don't feel like you're the only one." Hanson said quietly. "Grieving is very difficult and takes a long time." She urges those individuals seeking some support to give the association a try.
Curto, who in her three years has also assumed leadership roles each year, echoed, "It's a nice group. They care a lot about each other. They are very gracious and the understand the loss of a loved one."
For more information about the group, call 408.296.7126 or 408.559.8368.
Willow Glen, California Since 1992
