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Growing Up the Hard Way in Life
By Deborah Taylor-Hollis
I have a friend who always tries to find the good in people, no matter how bad their actions. I applaud his outlook, but I cannot share it.
I feel that even if a man gives millions each year to the homeless, kisses his mother in public and is a quiet, respectful neighbor, his taking of innocent lives pretty much negates all the good stuff.
It's a hard point to make in our current permissive climate.
Sometime in my lifetime, personal responsibility issues seemed to get watered down by "mitigating circumstances." Having a "reason" got mixed up with being "excused" by that reason.
I thought of this when I heard the news that a Bay Area man was one of the Taliban fighters recently captured in the war.
I grew up being taught to speak--and think--a certain way when I did something wrong. "It's my fault," and "I did it" are the first things that should come from a child whose parents have instilled responsibility. They were the basics my parents expected when I messed up as a kid, with everything from broken windows to damaged feelings.
"I didn't think it all the way through," and "I did not understand the implications" were more mature phrases I learned after messing up as an adult, that still showed I accepted responsibility for my actions. Some of them were screw-ups that cost me jobs, and some cost other people inordinate amounts of grief and pain.
Each and every time I felt horrible, physically upset and wanted to crawl into a hole. But I learned the basics of adulthood.
We are at war in Afghanistan. Taliban armed forces were dragged out of a stronghold and taken into custody. Out of that dust and smoke, an adult male, dirty, bearded, wearing the traditional garb of any one of millions of Afghan males, coughed, rolled over and identified himself as an American. News agencies around the world raced to hear his story.
Twenty-year-old John Walker faces treason charges for fighting against his own country in a war his compatriots started by committing the most heinous crime against America ever. His family and friends are mounting a defense of innocence.
He is an "altruistic, naive young man," according to his father. The attractive, well-fed, educated neighbors in the affluent Marin community speak directly into the cameras about how "nice" and "kind" the "boy" is and talk about how his parents are saddened and worried their child will be railroaded for his "mistake."
If you are old enough to leave home, make your own choices about where to go, how to spend the unlimited money mom and dad provide and decide who to talk to and work with, then both you and the parents who encouraged and financed your journey have to accept the consequences.
If parents want to protect their children, great--do so. But once you let them loose, don't come crawling back around mewling about how innocent they are and how they shouldn't be held responsible, or try to use the tired excuses of brainwashing, poor diet, bad depression issues, too many video games or tight underwear as reasons.
It must be nice to have enough security to allow your sweet, naive, innocent, kind, gentle boy to learn about and then convert to a religion, and then allow him to fly away overseas. It must be really nice to also be able to pay for it all. The logic of doing all that with the knowledge that the Middle East is where he is headed just escapes me.
I thought about the future of my son. If my kid wants to convert and fly overseas, it won't be until after he learns all he can here in America, gets a full-time job and pays for all his expenses. That would also make him an independent adult. And he would still have to make arrangements to contact me weekly--complete with a street address, a phone number and the name of a responsible adult overseas chaperoning the entire trip.
Constraining? Apron strings a mile long? You betcha. I am not some parent whose kids have plenty of free time to plan bombing incidents, take over the family garage and store weapons in it without my knowledge, or write them checks that are labeled "benevolent fund" and end up paying for land mines.
I refuse to be a permissive parent, and I want to raise a child who knows the rules--and how fast I will clamp down on his sorry little butt for stepping out of line. I may not succeed, but if I fail it won't be for lack of effort--or for making excuses.
Take some responsibility here.
Deborah's ranting can be commented on by email at DTHollis@svcn.com.
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Willow Glen, California Since 1992
