When Iria Nishimura was pregnant, she couldn't help wondering whether the baby would look Finnish, like her, or Japanese, like her Japanese American husband, Jim. As it turns out, Joshua has Iria's fair skin and the dark blue eyes of her father.

Iria met Jim on a matchmaking website and exchanged emails with him for two weeks before they met in person in San Jose in 1997.


Interracial Marriage

They married in 2000 and moved to the Palm Haven neighborhood three years ago because the tall palm trees remind him of Hawaii, where he grew up.

When their son was born four months ago, the Nishimuras gave their son an English first name, Joshua, a Finish middle name, Miika, and his father's Japanese last name.

"We would like him to take the best of several cultures," says Jim, 45.

Photograph by Grant Wernick A Mother's Love: Iria Nishimura plays with her 4-month-old son, Joshua. Iria quit her job to stay home with the baby.

Mike Curry, a San Jose social worker, says the tension in an interracial marriage often arises from the differences between the couple's religions, customs, languages and parenting styles.

"But these differences are only more obvious in the beginning of a marriage," says Curry, an African American man whose wife is white. "Like in any marriage, the husband and wife have to work on their issues."


Beyond Culture

But for the Nishimuras, cultural differences are hardly a problem.

"Japanese and Scandinavian cultures are very similar," Iria says. "Like Scandinavians, Japanese people are hardworking. Both of their art styles are simple. And like Japanese people, we take off shoes before entering a house."

"Jim is very reserved for an American and takes time letting people get to know him," Iria adds. "That is very Scandinavian."

Perhaps because of the similarities, Jim says his father, Stan, feels a certain kinship with Iria and treats her as a family member.

But not every mixed-race couple is as lucky as the Nishimuras, whose family members are very accepting of their marriage.


The Challenges

Ken and Candy Silverman, another mixed-race couple in Willow Glen, faced strong opposition from Candy's father because he didn't want her to marry a waguoren. The word means "foreigner" in Mandarin.

The couple met in Taiwan in 1991, when Candy applied for a job as Ken's assistant.

"She didn't get the job she applied for," says Ken, who was born and raised in New Paltz, N.Y. "But she got another job," he said of her eventual role as mother to their two children.

During their three years of courtship, Ken, who is white, never met Candy's parents because they tried to avoid him, Candy says. But her aunt decided to break the ice and brought Ken to meet Candy's grandfather.

"I was surprised that my grandfather liked Ken right away," Candy says.

With her grandfather's help, Candy finally obtained her father's blessing.

Their 1995 wedding blended Chinese and Western customs.

The couple knelt down to Candy's parents to show respect for them; they received a red envelope, symbolizing good luck. When Candy left her parents' house, her mother threw water to the ground, symbolizing that Candy would not return. And Candy had to hold an umbrella to shield herself from the sun so the gods wouldn't envy her happiness. They hired a jazz band to play at their Chinese banquet.

"The funny thing is, once we got married, my parents accepted Ken right away," Candy says. "It is fate."

The couple moved to Willow Glen seven years ago and started their family. Their two children, Kyler and Erin, are 4 years and 17 months, respectively.


Parenting Styles

Candy says she and Ken have different parenting styles. Because she is Chinese, Candy is more protective of the children and demands more discipline, while Ken encourages their children to take more risks. Although she can speak fluent English, she sometimes has trouble expressing her feelings to Ken because of a lack of English words that match the complex terminology for feelings in Mandarin.

But Candy says the differences seldom cause tension because the two spend a lot of time communicating with each other.

Communication also works for Philip and Margaret Ma, another mixed-race couple in Willow Glen.

Although he grew up in Canada and is very Westernized, his parenting styles are deeply influenced by his Chinese parents. Sometimes the styles are so different from those of his wife, Margaret, she finds them hard to get used to.

Margaret, who is white, says he often unconsciously talks down to their 3-year-old son, Benjamin. After Margaret told Philip that his style of discipline was actually humiliating to their children, Philip says he realized he was doing what his parents had often done.

"It is a form of humility," Philip says. "Like the mothers in the Joy Luck Club, they don't really think their daughters are not good enough. They like to say something like, 'My daughter is so stupid to get first place.' "

"One thing that is good about interracial marriages is that although everyone brings the baggage of their backgrounds, marrying someone of a different race pushes you to think why you behave in a certain way," Philip says. "It makes you step back and think more consciously about the differences. It is very healthy."

The one thing Philip is reluctant to compromise on, however, is education—he insists on sending his two sons, Ben and Marcus, 5 months, to the best school, while Margaret doesn't think it is that important.

Like many immigrants, Philip's parents expected him to achieve academically, and he did, earning his bachelor's degree from Harvard and his doctoral degree from Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

"Of course I want my children to go to the best school," Philip says. "You know Chinese parents. But that doesn't always happen in reality."

Although Philip's different parenting style sometimes bothers Margaret, she says their cultural differences are very interesting.

Margaret still remembers that Philip's mother was upset when she saw the aisle runner at their wedding was white.

"She said white was for funerals in Chinese culture and would bring bad luck," Margaret says. "So we removed the runner right away."

The Mas also had fun guessing what their babies would look like.

Both Ben and Marcus inherited Philip's dark brown eyes and skin tones. When Marcus was born, his right eye had no fold, while his left eye did. The Mas considered having plastic surgery to make Marcus' eyes even, but his right eye folded spontaneously a few weeks later.

"The doctor told us the eyes of interracial babies normally flipped back and forth before they finally settled," Margaret says while watching Marcus play with the colorful baby mobiles Philip's mother brought from China. "We don't really care because there is nothing particular about Western and Eastern beauty. We just want him to be happy and healthy."