Willow Glen Resident

Columns

School is the perfect end to a long summer

By Dave Kehmeier

As a stay-at-home dad who subscribes to the theory that absence makes the heart grow fonder, I can't wait for school to start. I'm ready to get back my life, which is being held hostage by my kids this summer.

I know that may sound harsh, but I suspect there are at least a few moms and dads reading this column who feel my pain and are secretly applauding my chutzpah for admitting it in public.

Don't get me wrong; I love my kids. It's just that a little togetherness with them goes a long way. On the other hand, a lot of togetherness usually goes the wrong way, especially when sweltering summer heat is involved.

It wasn't a good sign when Time magazine published an essay in its June 19 issue titled "Does Fatherhood Make You Happy?" The central thesis of the essay was: No, it doesn't. It pointed out that kids cost a lot of money, take a lot of time and keep us from what we'd rather be doing. "Our children give us many things, but an increase in our average daily happiness is probably not among them," the essay asserted.

Nevertheless, I went into the summer with high hopes.

I envisioned a sort of summertime utopia where we'd begin every morning with a wholesome whole-grain breakfast and lots of fresh summer fruit. Then we'd do some chores designed to keep the house presentable for summer guests and make sure the kids remember who's boss. After practicing piano, they'd read for an hour or so to keep their brains from atrophying and allow them to earn "valuable" prizes from the summer reading program at the library. In the afternoon, while they kept busy with creative pursuits and friends, I'd get some things done that I never seem to get around to during the school year. Things like plant a garden, clean the garage, shave.

Silly me. Instead, the kids sleep until approximately noon and eat a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast/lunch that's small enough it won't ruin their appetites for snacking all afternoon. The rest of the day, they watch me closely. The minute it appears that I might be trying to get something done, they interrupt me with, "Dad, do you think you could ..." or "Dad, can I ..." I generally refuse all requests that they can reasonably accomplish on their own or that are bad ideas to begin with, such as "Dad, can I have this whole can of Pringles?"

This, of course, makes them feel persecuted and turn sullen. They deal with it by playing their favorite game, Torment and Tattle. The object of the game is to bug each other mercilessly until one of them can't take it any more and tells on the other. Extra points are awarded if I lose my cool and yell at them. No one actually ever wins, but that doesn't stop them from playing.

I don't even have to be present for them to play T 'n' T. One day when I left them at home to go grocery shopping, the tattler reached me on my cell phone. To my credit, I did not yell. It was all I could do, however, to keep from squeezing the bejesus out of the Charmin.

No wonder there are days when I sincerely wish I could leave my wife, Ellie, at home with the kids and go into work for her. She's an accountant, which is perfect because the sheer boredom of the job along with my total inability to perform it would be a great way to catch up on my sleep.

Summers were different when I was growing up on the farm. My parents were thrilled to have us kids around.

They needed the extra kidpower. We raised much of what we ate, so when I wasn't out doing farm work with my dad, my mom kept me busy husking corn, shelling peas, slicing green beans, pitting cherries and peeling peaches so she could jam, can or freeze them. Going back to school was not such a bad thing to me back then, considering.

In deference to Ellie, who at this moment is no doubt snoozing comfortably in her air-conditioned office and prefers that I include at least some truth in my columns, I will admit that there have been many good times with the kids this summer. We've had some nice dinners out on the patio and evening walks along the creek trail by our house. Emily and I play with her birds. Will lets me beat him at checkers now and then.

I've even gotten them to help out around the house a bit.

So it hasn't been all bad. Just the same, I'm seriously considering buying some canning supplies and loading up on fruits and veggies at the farmers market the next few weeks.

Dave Kehmeier can be reached at Keheimer@ix.netcom.com.