Willow Glen Resident

Columns

Forcing kids to eat right is a prescription for failure

By Dave Kehmeier

Our son's pediatrician and his family came over for a barbecue the other day. We invited them because they live in our neighborhood, and we have mutual friends who also joined us. Plus, I was hoping that maybe he'd offer to go ahead and give my son, Will, his biannual checkup to save me the trouble of bringing him into the office. Oh, well.

I should state up front that I have the utmost respect for Will's pediatrician, and complete confidence in his medical abilities. He's a great guy who I would recommend to anyone. In fact, I'd use his real name in this column except I'm pretty sure it's against some journalistic Hippocratic Oath or something. Besides, I didn't get around to negotiating a promotional kickback from him.

Dr. C. and his wife, who's also a pediatrician, have three young boys and another one on the way. I cannot even imagine. Based on my experience as a father of one boy, I'd say they're very fortunate their medical care is mostly free.

While the kids swam and played, the adults sat and visited around the table of appetizers. One of Dr. C's boys kept coming over to plunder the potato chip bowl. This sparked a discussion among the grownups of their children's eating habits. Dr. Mrs. C. amazed us all by confessing their sons are very picky eaters and basically live on a diet of chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese.

Wow. Talk about skeletons in the pediatric closet. You'd expect their boys to be able to eat a liver, sauerkraut and lima bean casserole without blinking an eye. In fact, if I didn't know Dr. C. so well, I'd seriously question whether the $20 co-pay I fork over each time I take Will in to see him is too much, after a revelation like this.

Then again, this candid peek into their foibles was strangely liberating. It's nice to know pediatricians are real parents, too, and have to work just as hard as we do to cram the food pyramid down their kids' gullets. Plus, they seemed pretty relaxed about the whole issue, so I didn't let it bother me when Will polished off the remaining potato chips.

Dr. C. admitted that while he's a bit "challenged" in the nutrition department, he's become something of an expert on childhood constipation. It stands to reason, given all that macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets.

Dr. Mrs. C. went on to relate how one time she mixed peas in with the boys' macaroni and cheese in an attempt to introduce green into their diet. It didn't go well. There was much bawling, whining, and nose-crinkling, but very little actual eating. Dr. C. came home from work that evening to a full-blown rebellion. Boys: 3, parents and peas: 0.

It was a really funny story that must have made a big impression on me because I dreamed about it that night. Come to think of it, the mai tais I learned to make in Hawaii this summer may have had something to do with it, too. Anyway, in my dream, Dr. C's boys staged a protest march down the middle of their street carrying a banner that said, "THE HECK WITH YOU; WE WON'T CHEW!"

My nephew took this concept one step further in an effort to avoid ingesting offensive food items. As a toddler, he'd chew food he didn't like but he wouldn't swallow it. After dinner he'd wander around with his cheeks puffed out like Dizzy Gillespie, avoiding conversation, and rejecting his parents' appeals to swallow. At bedtime, his parents would finally give in and clear the gunk out of his mouth so they could brush his teeth.

Our kids used the tried-and-true "back-at-ya" defense to ward off the unpalatable. We experienced this for the first time at my former boss' house back when our daughter, Emily, was almost 3, and I still had a job. She said she really didn't want to try the pasta salad, but for some reason that escapes me now, we really wanted her to take "just one bite." Sure enough, it came back at us, along with the rest of her dinner. My boss was cool about it. Soon after, I quit my job, and he moved to Oregon.

Will used the same technique very successfully a couple of years later with cooked spinach.

Most parents, with the possible exception of Drs. C., obsess over their kids' eating habits. My only advice is, when introducing new foods into their diet, make sure they chew and swallow completely. And then duck.

But I'm no expert. If you have concerns about your kid's diet, you should consult your pediatrician.

Or maybe not.

Dave Kehmeier is a frequent contributor to the Willow Glen Resident. He can be reached at kehmeier@ix.netcom.com.